Daily smile thread

[Lee337]

Today marks the start of national Diarrhoea week.

Runs until Friday!

[ghulst]

"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."

"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"

[Lee337]

Do you wear glasses?

Are you forced to wear a facemask when out and about or in public premises?

You may be entitled to condensation!

[Lee337]

Got my test results back today - Negative

Phew!

What is IQ anyway? 

[Lee337]

Now we're coming out of lockdown in England, I couldn't resist heading off to the pub with my brother - got hammered.

Woke up this morning with a seaming hangover & the sound of my neighbour cutting his lawn.

Fuck it - I thought, he can mow around me.

[Lee337]

Me: What's the Wi-Fi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a beer.

Barman: Is Birra Moretti okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £4.

Me: There you go. So what's the Wi-Fi password?

Barman: you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase...

[Lee337]

The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

Well, sir, is the nervous reply, As you know, there are 250 men here and no women and sir, sometimes the men have...m-m-m....urges that's why we have the camel, sir. The American Captain says, I can't say that I condone this but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay.

About a month later the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, Is that how the Irish do it?

Uh, no sir, the Sergeant replies. They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.

[Lee337]

Thought I'd be trendy & try one of these 'alternative' milks.

I don't know what a Magnesia is, but it made my cornflakes taste horrible.

[Lee337]

My Mrs told me I should be more in touch with my feminine side.

So I crashed the car, burned the dinner & have been in a foul mood & ignored her for no reason.

[Lee337]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I meet the lads for a ride out."

[Lee337]

Despite what you may read, alcohol does NOT make you fat.

It makes you Lean... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

[Lee337]

Does anyone know which page in the Bible explains how to turn water into wine?

Asking for a friend.

[Nick Calne]

That was in the 'Bible vol 2: The Technical Manual'.  Sadly, it never made it into print.

[blacktiger]

Does anyone know which page in the Bible explains how to turn water into wine?

Asking for a friend.

The Aliens took it home with them. They had something like the Star Trek replicator.

[Lee337]

Went into a Motorway services yesterday & had one of their £5.00 meal deals.

It was called a Twix.