Daily smile thread

[Sin_Tiger]

Shared by another Gentleman of a certain age.

When I was younger and I dropped anything on the garage floor, I'd just bend down and pick it up.

Now if I drop something, I look at it and wonder if I really need it.

[Sin_Tiger]

I'm going to get an Electric Bike 

Just so I can have this patch on the back of my leathers.

LOUD STATORS SAVE LIVES

[Lee337]

.

[London_Phil]

Be nice if the ending was the same.....

[Lee337]

Have you been hit with a rythim stick?

You could be entitled to compensation for personal Ian Dury.

[London_Phil]

It was in the Gardens of Japan. He Hit me slowly, then hit me quick. Do I qualify?

[Sin_Tiger]

Unfortunately I was miles away in Yukatan while you were being assaulted and cannot be of any help as a witness 

[ghulst]

Sitting on the bank of a stream a young fisherman trolled his bait lazily in the water and chewed comfortably on a blade of grass.

"Catch anything yet?" asked the stranger.

"Nope," murmured the fishermen.

"That's strange. It appears to be such a fine stream for trout," said the stranger.

"It must be," replied the fishermen, "they refuse to leave it."

[Lee337]

If you close your eyes, and rub a Kiwi fruit in one hand, and a testicle in the other, its hard to tell the difference

It also gets you banned from Asda....

[Lee337]

Walking oI n my way home last night, I noticed a woman about 50m in front of me as I turned the corner.

She started to speed up, do I did, she began walking even faster, so I did too.

Then she began to run, so did I.

All of a sudden, she started screaming, so I did too.

I have no idea what was behind us but I was terrified.

[Lee337]

A man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.
-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.
Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g.
The boss agreed though he was surprized at the weird things the client asked to have.
The client went into his room, he didn't ask for food or anything else.
Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39.
After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor.
The boss didn't sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise.
In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first.
He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.
The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.
The boss was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.
After one year, the client showed up again. He asked to see the boss again. The boss was in a puzzle.
The client asked the same things: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and an orange 79g.
This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before.
Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face.
The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 39? why the white thread? why the black knife??? In fact, the boss didn't arrive to any convincing answer to all these questions.
The boss now was eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up.
To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.
The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before.
In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.
-''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''
-''I promise I will never let anyone know''.
-''Swear''
-''I swear I won't reveal your secret''
So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss.

Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person. Until now he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone.
When he does, I will let you know...

[blacktiger]

A man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.
-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.
Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g.
The boss agreed though he was surprized at the weird things the client asked to have.
The client went into his room, he didn't ask for food or anything else.
Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39.
After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor.
The boss didn't sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise.
In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first.
He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.
The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.
The boss was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.
After one year, the client showed up again. He asked to see the boss again. The boss was in a puzzle.
The client asked the same things: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and an orange 79g.
This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before.
Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face.
The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 39? why the white thread? why the black knife??? In fact, the boss didn't arrive to any convincing answer to all these questions.
The boss now was eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up.
To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.
The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before.
In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.
-''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''
-''I promise I will never let anyone know''.
-''Swear''
-''I swear I won't reveal your secret''
So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss.

Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person. Until now he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone.
When he does, I will let you know...

And the moral is that if you see a joke that long, just skip to the end for the (lack of) punch line.

[Lee337]

Went for a job interview earlier today with a trial run in the customer service dept, didn't get it.

Apparently the correct phrase is 'Burial or cremation' not 'smoking or non-smoking'

[Lee337]

I've just read that taking your bike to work everyday is good for the environment, so I thought, 'Oh well, why not?' It's not like I'm using the roof rack for anything else anyway!

I live for two reasons:
1) I was born
2) I haven't died yet

Saw a bloke in an AA van yesterday crying his eyes out...
Think he was heading for a breakdown!

I went back to see my doctor yesterday.
I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.
I said, "On the bus!"

I was with my new girlfriend the other night getting down and dirty.
I pulled out my fully erect cock and she said "Bloody hell, you could knock somebody out with that!"
I said "Do you really think so?"
She said "Oh yeah, it fucking stinks!"

I bought a blow up doll last week and I must admit it's just like the real thing...
It won't suck me off, it can't cook and it won't clean the house!

Just bought two Harry Potter brooms in Poundland...
Quid-each!

My wife's fanny smells like roses...
But Rose's fanny is tighter!

My boss yelled at me this morning, "It's the fifth time you've been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?"
I said, "It's Friday!"

I went to my mates wedding and I whispered to a bloke next to me, "Fuck me, that bride is pig ugly!"
"Do you mind! That's my daughter you're talking about!"
"I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father."
"I'm not. I'm her mother!"

Research shows that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty minute jog...
So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers!

Mobile phones nowadays are so expensive...
When you fall over and hear a crack sound you pray it's your leg!

I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law...
She lives alone at Flat 48 Station Road on the 3rd floor and she has just won the lottery.
The keys are under door mat!

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe,
but if you remove it, you get... Gravy!

My doctor has advised me to stop drinking.
It's going to be a massive change for me... I've been with that doctor for 15 years!

I took my young son camping at the weekend.
As we sat around the fire he said, "I need a shit."
I said, "That's the beauty of camping, you can shit anywhere & you can't get into trouble."
He walked off & came back a few minutes later.
"Where did you have one?"
"In your car!"

I went to see a Psychic last night,
I said to her, "Before I pay you, prove your abilities or I'm leaving."
She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You masturbate a lot."
I said, "Fucking hell! That's brilliant, but how do you know?"
She said, "You're wearing a wedding ring!"

I went to a fish restaurant last night and ordered the Octopus.
The waiter said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
I replied, "Why?" He said,
"Because it keeps turning the gas off!"

At the Olympics I saw an athlete carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
He replied, "No I'm German but how do you know my name is Walter?"

Managed to get a girl from the club back to my house last night, by telling her I hadan Olympic gold medal...
"Wow, that's amazing!" she said, lifting it from its stand on the mantelpiece. "What did you win this in?"
"Online auction!"

When I see lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's cute...
I just think how strange it is that people take a fucking knife on a date!

Got home from the pub at 4am this morning and the wife was waiting at the front door holding a rolling pin.
I said, "What the hell are you baking at this hour?"

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how pissed you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."
She said, "Yes you are."
I said, "No I'm fucking not."
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock & said, "I'm not fucking drunk!"

I fried an egg on a car bonnet today which taught me two things:
1. It really is hot enough to fry an egg on a car bonnet...
2. People get annoyed when you drop eggs on their car!

If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be...
No need to remind her every half hour!

[Lee337]

Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas canisters on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dove into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are all fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Your loving son
Bobby