Daily smile thread

[Nick Calne]

Ha! Love it.

[Sin_Tiger]

 

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

I asked my wife to give me some oral relief today.
"Do you want me to suck you off?" she asked.
"No," I replied, "I want you to shut the fuck up!"

I was ironing in front of my front room window, wearing nothing but nappies and a gas mask the other day.
I'm lucky nobody saw me, imagine the embarrassment - me, a full grown man...
...Ironing!

I was on a first date with this woman and she asked, "How big is your cock?"
I replied, "Put it this way, I've got the name of that famous Welsh railway station tattooed on it."
I think she was a little disappointed when she saw it said Rhyl..

You know you're getting old when the noises you've made during sex are the same ones you now make getting out of bed!

I was out with my friends last night and they told me that as soon as the weather turns nice, they're going camping and asked if I'd like to join them. So I've made a list of the things I need:

1) New friends.

My missus is home after her breast reduction operation...
I must admit, she does look better with just the two!

I've realised the problem isn't what I eat between Christmas and New Year...
It's what I eat between New Year and Christmas!

My mate just pulled into his driveway to see some thieving lowlife jump over his back fence.
"Think the piece of shit was after the golf cart"
He said his wife must have put up a good fight though because she lost most of her clothes, is drenched in sweat and can hardly walk

[Lee337]

Happy New Year & welcome to 2022.

Made some New Year resolutions.

1 - Stop writing lists

B - Be more consistent

7 - Learn to count.

[Lee337]

Out of work again, so Mrs L suggested that if I was bored, I could make a Bird table.

Now she's kicking off because I put her in 4th place.

[Sin_Tiger]

 

[Lee337]

Apparently it's rude to poke someone in the head and say 'skip intro' when they start talking to you.

[Lee337]

I love putting fresh, warm underwear on, straight from the dryer. Plus it's fun looking around the laundromat to see if I can guess who they belong to.

[Lee337]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that

would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters,explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

[Lee337]

I spent a morning at the cop shop last week being interviewed by the police. I watch loads of police dramas so I knew that the best answer to give to questions was " no comment " so I just kept on repeating it.

I'm now beginning to wonder if that's why I didn't get the job .

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

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