Daily smile thread

[Sin_Tiger]

You you've sat in on one too many council Zoom meetings when that makes sense 

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

With hairdressers re opening shortly, my misses asked me what type of cut would make her more pretty.

Apparently a power cut was the wrong answer.

[Lee337]

I bought a new fridge the other day and put the old one in my front garden with a sign saying: "Free if you want it, take it".
It sat there for three days.. no one wanted it.
I then changed the sign to: "For sale £50".
The next day somebody nicked it!

When my wife suggested we try playing doctors and nurses...
I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for 2 days!

Who is the roundest knight at King Arthur's Roundtable?
Sir Cumference.

Really enjoyed reading Chris Eubank's book on ethics.
I can't wait for his next one about Kent !

I love my new job fixing blinds.
Or 'laser eye-surgeon' as some people insist on calling it

I went on holiday to China and bought a pair of shoes.
I looked on the sole and it said 'Made around the corner'

A man asks a farmer , "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it ? You see, I have to catch the 4:25 train."
The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead.........
And if my bull sees you, you'll probably even catch the 4:10 one !!

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word ?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to shout *BINGO* !

Every time you talk to your wife, remember that...
'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'

A man takes his wife to a disco, there's a man on the dance floor, moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works.
Wife turns to her husband & sighs "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him & I said no!"
Husband says "It looks like he's still out celebrating!"

The 8 year old boy who weighs 14 stone was interviewed on telly today,
when asked what his favourite musical instrument was he replied "The dinner bell".

"I'm baffled by your orange penis" the doctor told his patient "does anyone else in your family have this condition?" "no".
"Do you handle chemicals at work?" He asked,
"No" replied the man.
"Well what do you do all day?" asked the doc
"Watch porn and eat Wotsits!!" He replied

2 Elephants meet a naked man.
One elephant says to the other: "I really don't get how he can feed himself with that thing!"

I just asked the missus if she fancied a takeaway tonight?
She said, "Are you talking Chinese?"
I said, "No, did it sound Chinese?"

My wife used to work as a magician's assistant.
I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work and she was in the bedroom.
She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate John came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor guy must have wondered what the hell was going on!

[Lee337]

My wife says I don't satisfy her anymore.
Probably because I'm a man, not a cake shop...

My nan knitted me a hat for my birthday.
She said, "Do you think it's a bit tight?"
"Yes, nan." I replied, "Where are the rest of my bloody presents?"

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

"How's the diet going?"
"Not so good, I had three eggs for breakfast"
"Scrambled, Boiled or Poached?"

"Cadburys"...

I went for an interview at a big IT company today for the position of 'Computer Hacking Investigator'.
The boss asked me, "So, what makes you suitable for this job"...?
"Well," I replied, "I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview".....

I've just been to a ventriloquist's funeral.
They all sang the hymn "All things Gright and Geautiful!"

Once , I was at the swimming baths and decided to have a sneaky pee in the deep end.
The life guard must have noticed, he blew his whistle so loud, I nearly fell in.

I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin, the other day, he's head of quality control at Walkers.

After a year I no longer find it boring staying in all day
...but I don't understand why in one box of rice krispies there are 2453 pieces, and in the other one 2467!

Me - "I've just made a model of Kilimanjaro"
Mate - "Is it made to scale?"
Me - "No, just to look at"!!

Studies show that 48% of women have used vibrators.
The other 52% have brand new ones!!!

didn't think that my uncle liked me but apparently he has left me a large building in his will.
Does anyone know where Sod Hall is ?

After years of over eating, a woman fell into a deep diabetic coma.
After 6 months the doc said to the husband "All our tests are indicating no sign of recovery. It's time to take away life support."
Her eyes sprung open, she sat bolt upright.
"Did someone mention takeaway?"

This is the first year I am not going to run the London Marathon, due to Covid.
Usually, I don't do it because I'm an out of condition, fat, lazy git.

Wife said why don't you talk to me ?
I replied I don't like to start another argument

In a job interview today the interviewer handed me his laptop and said "I want you to try and sell this to me".
I grabbed it and ran out of the building.
A few moments later he called my mobile and said "bring it back here right now!"
I said "£400 and it's yours".

"Vegan" old Latin word. Roughly translates to
"Crap Hunter"

I've bought one of those new high-speed Stannah Stairlifts.
It gets me up the stairs before I've forgotten what I went up there for.

I have sex daily...
I mean dyslexia!

I called 999...
"What's your emergency?" they asked.
"Two girls are fighting over me!"
"Ok, well what's the problem?"
"The fat one is winning!"

I was doing the late shift at Boots when this bloke came in.
"Evening Primrose oil" he said.
"Just call me Dave like everyone else does!" I told him.

That moment when you're worried about the elderly and realize that you ARE the elderly.

I was having dinner at my bosses house, when his wife said "How many potatoes would you like?"
I replied "Oh, just the one please."
"You don't have to be polite here, so how many would you like?" She asked.
"OK, one potato, you crooked nosed old cow"!!

A Guy just knocked at my door and asked who my energy supplier was.
Apparently Red Bull wasn't the answer he was looking for.

My Scouse mate asked me how to spell Darrell, I asked him why.
He said "I'm looking online for a pair of jeans Darrell fit me."
I replied "It's not Darrell, you daft sod, it's Warrel"!!

I said to my wife the other day, "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She said "I don't like to ring you when you're at work!"

[Sin_Tiger]

[ghulst]

A shipwrecked sailor spent several years on a deserted island. One morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a small boat pulling out toward him!

When the boat arrived, its occupant handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and said: "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

[Lee337]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years. That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years. Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

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[Sin_Tiger]

You always make me smile no matter how corney but I'm also smiling for another reason tonight 

[Nick Calne]

Your luck was in! They should have just kicked it out.

[Sin_Tiger]

Your luck was in! They should have just kicked it out.

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

Talking to the mrs the other night about getting older.

Me: when I die, I want to go making love

Mrs L: at least it'll be quick