Those of us who have ever used a Haynes manual for repair work will love this.
I found this on another site, but it was too funny and i had to print it here:
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer counterclockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell, bucko!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start; now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox...
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a BIG can of WD40...
Haynes: Retain small spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly took my eye out!"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: "OK - thats the glass part off, now use some good pliers to dig out the base...
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing...
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your mother could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground.
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for while muttering "Piece of Sh@t" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's broke!"
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself.
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to do!
POST OF THE DAY!!!!POST OF THE DAY!!!!
So true, ALL OF IT! :mrgreen: #-o ](*,) :-k :-s :mrgreen:
Excellent :lol: .....that was the story of my life when i used to service and maintain my landrovers after much offroad abuse (before i found the joys of tigerhood).
I still suffer from the odd bout of spanner rash though !!!!!!
The engine of the Bevel drive Ducati, being of All Alloy construction is light enough to be handled by one person.
Translation: Pick it up, kick the trolley jack out from under it and immediately sink to the floor under the weight!
I swear the Haynes manual for my 864 Bevel drive actually contains the above (wording may be slightly different). I had to get a mate round to help me lift it off the floor, and between us we struggled to get it up onto the bench!
Cheers,
Shadow.