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Talk => General Discussions => Topic started by: Lee337 on January 09, 2021, 01:00:03 PM

Title: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 09, 2021, 01:00:03 PM
Shamelessly stolen from another forum.


The wife bought herself a parrot but after a week, she took it back to the pet shop.
"This parrot hasn't said anything yet!" she complained to the owner.
"I haven't had a bloody chance yet!" replied the parrot.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 09, 2021, 01:06:11 PM
The Hunting Accident

A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.

"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

" Not exactly answered the doctor.

"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 09, 2021, 01:07:43 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 10, 2021, 11:23:13 AM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Nick Calne on January 10, 2021, 07:59:43 PM
Keep going. It's good for someone to lighten the place up.  :new_popcornsmiley
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 11, 2021, 01:56:58 PM
You can always add to it.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 11, 2021, 02:00:18 PM
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and burn them.
I did that, and feel much better, but I am wondering, do I keep the letters ???

I was telling a girl in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her breasts.
"Really? Go on then try."
After 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.

My girlfriend asked me if I want to get married someday.
I said "Of course, once I meet the right woman."

Just mentioned to the missus that I've always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé.
"Whatever floats your boat". She said.
"No" I said, "that's buoyancy".

My 5 year old son said he wanted a treehouse in the back garden.
20 years growing a tree and now he doesn't want it anymore. Ungrateful shit !!!

Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address.
Fortunately none of them can read a map!

Elvis Presley's coffin was made from redwood and took two week's to make.
Michael Jackson's was made from oak and took a week.
Gene Pitney's? 24 hour's, from balsa!!

I texted my wife today "I had a bad accident at work.
I fell from a great height, Sarah kindly rushed me to the hospital, the Drs examined me, they x rayed my legs & say I may never walk again, & be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life."
She texted back Who the f**k is Sarah ?

First date..... Boy: "Let's exchange numbers."
Blonde girl: "Won't that confuse people when they're trying to call us???"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 11, 2021, 02:03:46 PM
Due to severe weather conditions the Government has issued this warning:
Anyone travelling should take blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, 24 hr food supply, 3 ltrs of water, safety triangle, tow rope, & a set of jump leads.

I looked a right knob on the bus this morning.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on January 11, 2021, 02:28:09 PM
15 EXERCISES WE'D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2021...

~ Jumping on the bandwagon             

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles             

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic

~ Spinning your wheels                 

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall   

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum                 

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions                       

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments                       

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

~ Running with scissors
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 12, 2021, 11:59:06 AM
I was that board today i changed all the wrappers in a box of celebration while her in door's was making diner.
She's not happy she got her snikers in a twix
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 12, 2021, 06:39:31 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 13, 2021, 02:36:05 PM
Life after lockdown
https://youtu.be/1FG6Y7U_XkE (https://youtu.be/1FG6Y7U_XkE)
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 14, 2021, 12:19:57 PM
Why is it that when we were kids, jokes about genitals were 'adult humour'


but when we're adults, they're considered 'childish'?
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: blacktiger on January 14, 2021, 04:41:54 PM
I wonder why I got arrested today because when we were little kids, throwing off all your clothes and running around naked was thought of as cute.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Bixxer Bob on January 14, 2021, 10:27:59 PM
I was quite surprised to see 'The Gluten Free Society' website uses cookies....
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on January 15, 2021, 09:04:38 AM
If trees could talk, lumberjacks would need intense therapy.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 15, 2021, 12:26:22 PM
Apparently 29% of pet owners allow their pets to sleep on the bet at night.

Tried it last night, don't think the goldfish survived!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 15, 2021, 12:28:55 PM
Naomi: Did you know my name spelled backwards is I Moan, which is fantastic, I do love moaning.

Lana: Don't you dare say another word!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 16, 2021, 01:32:37 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 16, 2021, 01:33:06 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 18, 2021, 03:09:34 PM
"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2021 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . "
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 19, 2021, 02:50:16 PM
Isn't it weird, you can trust you dog to guard your home, but not your sandwich!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on January 19, 2021, 03:01:00 PM
Want to hear a construction joke?



Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 20, 2021, 05:14:18 PM
I was having trouble with my computer at work, so I called IT Support...
He asked, "Have you tried disabling cookies?"...
I responded, "Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man!"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on January 20, 2021, 10:12:29 PM
Talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

I never make mistakes. ...I thought I did once; but I was wrong.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 22, 2021, 04:15:24 PM
I recently lost my job at the school.
I got caught kissing the ugliest teacher in the whole school.
Gross Miss Conduct.

If you're always organising things, you have OCD.
If you're always eating things, you have OBCT.

Japanese blokes are a bit pushy, especially those fat one's who wear nappies!!


I took the new bath I bought back to the shop.
"The water keeps running out!" "Did you put the plug in?"
"No, nobody told me it was electric"!!

If you're a hostage and the gunman says "Who shall I shoot first?"
Saying, "It's WHOM shall I shoot first?" Is not the best answer.

If you're wrong and shut up.... You are wise.....
If you're right and shut up... You are married....

My probation period at Boots ended yesterday when a customer came up to me and said "I've got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it's going to explode.
Have you got anything?"
I said, "No mate, I feel fine!"

"Grandad can we go to McDonald's"? "We can if you can spell it"
"Grandad, can we go to KFC"?

A man regained consciousness in hospital and hysterically yelled to the doctor that he couldn't feel his legs.
The doctor replied "that's because I've cut your arms off".

With the schools closed due to covid.
Child: "Mummy, am I adopted"?
Mum: "not yet darling, I've only just put the ad in".

A man attempted to hijack a bus load of Japanese tourists...
The police have 3,756 pictures of him.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 23, 2021, 07:15:42 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 25, 2021, 11:44:25 AM
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says,

"It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said,


'Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on January 25, 2021, 08:17:33 PM
 :rfl :rfl
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on January 26, 2021, 12:29:24 AM
Makes my day mate  :thumbsup you have far too much time on the PC to be healthy  ;)
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 26, 2021, 12:22:05 PM
Proof that time is relative.

How long 'just a minute' is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 26, 2021, 12:33:36 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 26, 2021, 06:15:20 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: blacktiger on January 26, 2021, 09:14:25 PM
Ivor's back at work then.  :icon_rolleyes:
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 27, 2021, 03:26:19 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 27, 2021, 03:28:13 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 27, 2021, 06:46:36 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 27, 2021, 06:47:18 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 28, 2021, 05:06:22 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 29, 2021, 02:55:59 PM
My boss has just appointed me as his sexual adviser.
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it."

I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts.
When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied "can I at least Taekwondo?"

Make expensive branded bottled water last longer, by topping it up with tap water!!

When I was at school I was convinced my maths teacher fancied me .
She would put a kiss after every one of my sums

My friend has opened up an ice rink charging just 10p a go .
..... what a cheap skate !

Just dropped my phone in mayonnaise.
Bloody hellman!

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics descended into chaos when someone shouted, 'He's behind you!'

I went for a self-defence class the other night. The instructor said, "I want you to take me by surprise and attack me."
So, when I saw him in Sainsbury's the next day, I threw a tin of beans at his head!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 29, 2021, 03:00:23 PM
We don't know how lucky we are to have the jobs we have. I had a bloke decorating my house for the last three days. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a pilot for Virgin on Furlough. He is decorating now to try and pay his mortgage, sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landing
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 31, 2021, 01:01:40 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on January 31, 2021, 01:42:32 PM
BAF
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 01, 2021, 04:50:34 PM
Don't you just hate it when you offer a sincere compliment on someone's moustache,

and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.  :^_^
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on February 01, 2021, 11:26:33 PM
 :icon_rolleyes:
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on February 02, 2021, 01:03:04 PM
A friend of mine bought his wife a world map and gave her a dart and said, throw this, and wherever it lands--that's where I'm taking you when this pandemic ends.

It turns out that they will be spending two weeks behind the fridge.




A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he's been eating.

"I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."

"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 02, 2021, 02:07:19 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 03, 2021, 12:46:05 PM
Yesterday I entered 10 puns into a local competition, to see if one would win.

No pun in ten did.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on February 03, 2021, 09:23:00 PM
Little known fact, Moses had a motorcycle

It literally says so in the Bible:

"And lo, the roar of Moses' Triumph was heard throughout Israel"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 04, 2021, 01:13:22 PM
My neighbour with the big boobs has been walking around in front of the bedroom window all morning.

I just wish his wife would do the same.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 04, 2021, 05:01:37 PM
I had a budding career as an actor when I was younger, until I failed my audition for Romeo & Juliette.

It seems I misunderstood the stage direction, but my script specifically said 'Enter Juliette from the rear'
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 04, 2021, 05:11:58 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on February 04, 2021, 06:09:20 PM
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "So, Doc, look at this engine.
I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the **engine running**."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Nick Calne on February 04, 2021, 10:09:15 PM
Ha!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on February 05, 2021, 02:13:46 AM
When I retired, I thought I would retrain for something completely different just for a bit of extra pocket money and not having to travel as much as I had to in the past.

I applied for a course, got accepted and went along for the first days training. Half an hour into the course I asked a question and the answer made up my mind the job wasn't for me and left.

It seems working from home is not an option for Armed Bank Robbers.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on February 05, 2021, 10:08:31 AM
Quote from: Sin_Tiger on February 05, 2021, 02:13:46 AM
It seems working from home is not an option for Armed Bank Robbers.


You should see them these days... ;)
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on February 05, 2021, 11:12:51 AM
I used to be a motorcycle courier...

Man those things are heavy...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on February 05, 2021, 12:42:45 PM
I've just had the results from the local drive through test centre.

The good news is that I haven't contracted Covid 19

The not so good news is that I'm pregnant  :mut
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 05, 2021, 05:58:00 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 05, 2021, 05:58:27 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: blacktiger on February 06, 2021, 01:34:38 PM
Quote from: Sin_Tiger on February 05, 2021, 02:13:46 AM
It seems working from home is not an option for Armed Bank Robbers.

Oh yes it is when you hear about the many scams that are coming at us over the phone and email.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 08, 2021, 01:27:46 PM
I got in contact with my local wizard at the weekend to try to get rid of a curse a priest put on me years back.

He said he should be able to do it if I can remember the exact words he used when placing the curse.

I said no problem,

'I now pronounce you man & wife'
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 09, 2021, 07:31:43 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 09, 2021, 07:32:11 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 10, 2021, 02:29:49 PM
A husband and his wife were driving through Wales and came across the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogererychwyrndrobwilllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the village. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an arguement for us?" Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"














She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerr Kiiing."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 10, 2021, 05:30:49 PM
Apparently, when filling out an application for a credit card, the answer to the question 'Source of income' is not ATM  :^_^
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 13, 2021, 11:18:06 AM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 13, 2021, 11:18:39 AM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 17, 2021, 11:11:22 AM
Yesterday in the loft I found an old copy of the 1977 Radio Times....
or as its called now, The Sex Offenders Register!

Sick & tired of these Olympic athletes saying how hard they've worked & the sacrifices they've made.
What do they want? A medal?

Terrible weather today so I just visited my 80 year old neighbour to ask if she needed anything from the shop .
Turns out she did, so I've given her my list too - no point in both of us going out in this storm.

I met a girl, She said they call me Vivaldi "because you're a brilliant violinist?"
"No" she said. "My name's Viv & I work in Aldi

I've been accused of plagiarism.
Their words, not mine.

Try our tasty Korean Meatballs.
They really are the dogs bollocks!

I had Domino's for dinner.
Awful, broke my tooth on a double six.

No pleasing some women. I got my wife 250 flowers for Valentine's & she still wasn't happy!
So what if they spelt out 'Grandad'

My older brother was named after our father to carry on his name.
It can be really confusing having a brother called Dad though !

My daughter wants anything from the body shop as a wedding gift.
So I've bought her the the front offside wing of a Ford fiesta.

my mates just been diagnosed with that terrible peek a boo virus,
he's just been transferred to the i.c.u. unit

I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance

Well it's finally valentines day , I really hope I get a card from Moonpig this year !!
Mind you , she really hates it when I call her that !!

I've been getting a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer for the past 20 years.
So I was sad not to get one this year.
First my gran dies and now this!

The wife asked whether I would mind taking her mum out.
I thought a drop kick would probably do it.

I said to my wife, "How come you always get confused and muddle things up?"
She said, "Talk about the pot calling the toaster black."

Looking for a bit of advice... What's the best number of Roses to give the girlfriend for Valentine's Day? - 6? 12? 24?
Or the whole tin?

What the hell are you doing I said to my wife You've reversed the car over my motorbike.
She said It's your own fault for leaving it in the shed.

The other night I walked into the bedroom and my wife asked me "What would you most like to do with my body?"
Apparently, "Identify it" wasn't the right answer.

I owe my Life to Justin Bieber. I was in a Coma for Two years, until one of the Nurses played one of his songs on the radio in my room, and I had to wake up and Turn it off.

I know that some of you will moan at me, but I've bought my wife an iron for Valentine's day .
I'm really not sure this is a good gift, as I've never even seen her play golf !

I rang DVLA for a personalised number plate.
They said they didn't have one to suit my name. So I just changed my name to SV57 HWD

My neighbour knocked on my door at 3am. Can you believe it - 3am!
Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums!

A friend of mine opened a strip club called "The G-Spot"
It closed after a week as most men couldn't find it!

The most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style..
The husband sits & begs, & the wife rolls over & plays dead !
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 18, 2021, 01:18:52 PM
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."
"Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."
"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."

Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
"True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 18, 2021, 04:58:20 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: blacktiger on February 18, 2021, 06:53:50 PM
One for the oldies....
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on February 18, 2021, 09:28:46 PM
Quote from: Lee337 on February 18, 2021, 04:58:20 PM
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I am in a Mini R53 group on Facebook and it is unbelievable, but there are a load of people on there who actually send each other Mini parts in boxes like that...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on February 19, 2021, 09:50:54 AM
 :bad
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Bixxer Bob on February 21, 2021, 04:55:40 AM
Quote from: ghulst on February 19, 2021, 09:50:54 AM
:bad

I'm not sure if that's very clever, or wrong;   the vertical axis is "Z"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: blacktiger on February 21, 2021, 10:43:56 AM
Quote from: Bixxer Bob on February 21, 2021, 04:55:40 AM
I'm not sure if that's very clever, or wrong;   the vertical axis is "Z"

Only in 3D.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 21, 2021, 02:28:30 PM
This morning, my wife and I were having a nice quiet breakfast when I said to her, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff immediately."

"Now, why would you want me to do that?" she replied.

"Well, I think that a woman as fine as yourself would remarry one day, and I'd hate some other arsehole using my stuff."

She looked at me intently and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another arsehole?"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 21, 2021, 02:28:59 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on February 22, 2021, 07:53:11 PM
Quote from: Bixxer Bob on February 21, 2021, 04:55:40 AM
I'm not sure if that's very clever, or wrong;   the vertical axis is "Z"


(https://koenig-media.raywenderlich.com/uploads/2017/09/axis-view-480x200.png)


Not where I grew up...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: blacktiger on February 23, 2021, 12:55:32 PM
Quote from: ghulst on February 22, 2021, 07:53:11 PM

(https://koenig-media.raywenderlich.com/uploads/2017/09/axis-view-480x200.png)


Not where I grew up...

In Space there is no "up".
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 23, 2021, 05:37:56 PM
and no one can hear you scream!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on February 23, 2021, 09:56:28 PM
AAarrgghhh...

;)
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 25, 2021, 12:17:21 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 26, 2021, 05:58:03 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 26, 2021, 05:58:49 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 28, 2021, 05:38:02 PM
Went in to Burger king earlier. the woman who served me was wearing a badge on her breast pocket saying 'Pat'.

To cut a long story short, I'm now banned from Burger King.  :icon_scratch:
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 02, 2021, 05:30:04 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 02, 2021, 05:30:45 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 05, 2021, 02:03:11 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 05, 2021, 07:09:07 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on March 06, 2021, 01:46:50 PM
You you've sat in on one too many council Zoom meetings when that makes sense  :mut
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 10, 2021, 03:01:11 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 16, 2021, 08:01:49 PM
With hairdressers re opening shortly, my misses asked me what type of cut would make her more pretty.

Apparently a power cut was the wrong answer.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 18, 2021, 02:03:32 PM
I bought a new fridge the other day and put the old one in my front garden with a sign saying: "Free if you want it, take it".
It sat there for three days.. no one wanted it.
I then changed the sign to: "For sale £50".
The next day somebody nicked it!

When my wife suggested we try playing doctors and nurses...
I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for 2 days!

Who is the roundest knight at King Arthur's Roundtable?
Sir Cumference.

Really enjoyed reading Chris Eubank's book on ethics.
I can't wait for his next one about Kent !

I love my new job fixing blinds.
Or 'laser eye-surgeon' as some people insist on calling it

I went on holiday to China and bought a pair of shoes.
I looked on the sole and it said 'Made around the corner'

A man asks a farmer , "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it ? You see, I have to catch the 4:25 train."
The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead.........
And if my bull sees you, you'll probably even catch the 4:10 one !!

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word ?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to shout *BINGO* !

Every time you talk to your wife, remember that...
'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'

A man takes his wife to a disco, there's a man on the dance floor, moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works.
Wife turns to her husband & sighs "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him & I said no!"
Husband says "It looks like he's still out celebrating!"

The 8 year old boy who weighs 14 stone was interviewed on telly today,
when asked what his favourite musical instrument was he replied "The dinner bell".

"I'm baffled by your orange penis" the doctor told his patient "does anyone else in your family have this condition?" "no".
"Do you handle chemicals at work?" He asked,
"No" replied the man.
"Well what do you do all day?" asked the doc
"Watch porn and eat Wotsits!!" He replied

2 Elephants meet a naked man.
One elephant says to the other: "I really don't get how he can feed himself with that thing!"

I just asked the missus if she fancied a takeaway tonight?
She said, "Are you talking Chinese?"
I said, "No, did it sound Chinese?"

My wife used to work as a magician's assistant.
I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work and she was in the bedroom.
She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate John came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor guy must have wondered what the hell was going on!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 22, 2021, 11:53:51 AM
My wife says I don't satisfy her anymore.
Probably because I'm a man, not a cake shop...

My nan knitted me a hat for my birthday.
She said, "Do you think it's a bit tight?"
"Yes, nan." I replied, "Where are the rest of my bloody presents?"

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

"How's the diet going?"
"Not so good, I had three eggs for breakfast"
"Scrambled, Boiled or Poached?"

"Cadburys"...

I went for an interview at a big IT company today for the position of 'Computer Hacking Investigator'.
The boss asked me, "So, what makes you suitable for this job"...?
"Well," I replied, "I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview".....

I've just been to a ventriloquist's funeral.
They all sang the hymn "All things Gright and Geautiful!"

Once , I was at the swimming baths and decided to have a sneaky pee in the deep end.
The life guard must have noticed, he blew his whistle so loud, I nearly fell in.

I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin, the other day, he's head of quality control at Walkers.

After a year I no longer find it boring staying in all day
...but I don't understand why in one box of rice krispies there are 2453 pieces, and in the other one 2467!

Me - "I've just made a model of Kilimanjaro"
Mate - "Is it made to scale?"
Me - "No, just to look at"!!

Studies show that 48% of women have used vibrators.
The other 52% have brand new ones!!!

didn't think that my uncle liked me but apparently he has left me a large building in his will.
Does anyone know where Sod Hall is ?

After years of over eating, a woman fell into a deep diabetic coma.
After 6 months the doc said to the husband "All our tests are indicating no sign of recovery. It's time to take away life support."
Her eyes sprung open, she sat bolt upright.
"Did someone mention takeaway?"

This is the first year I am not going to run the London Marathon, due to Covid.
Usually, I don't do it because I'm an out of condition, fat, lazy git.

Wife said why don't you talk to me ?
I replied I don't like to start another argument

In a job interview today the interviewer handed me his laptop and said "I want you to try and sell this to me".
I grabbed it and ran out of the building.
A few moments later he called my mobile and said "bring it back here right now!"
I said "£400 and it's yours".

"Vegan" old Latin word. Roughly translates to
"Crap Hunter"

I've bought one of those new high-speed Stannah Stairlifts.
It gets me up the stairs before I've forgotten what I went up there for.

I have sex daily...
I mean dyslexia!

I called 999...
"What's your emergency?" they asked.
"Two girls are fighting over me!"
"Ok, well what's the problem?"
"The fat one is winning!"

I was doing the late shift at Boots when this bloke came in.
"Evening Primrose oil" he said.
"Just call me Dave like everyone else does!" I told him.

That moment when you're worried about the elderly and realize that you ARE the elderly.

I was having dinner at my bosses house, when his wife said "How many potatoes would you like?"
I replied "Oh, just the one please."
"You don't have to be polite here, so how many would you like?" She asked.
"OK, one potato, you crooked nosed old cow"!!

A Guy just knocked at my door and asked who my energy supplier was.
Apparently Red Bull wasn't the answer he was looking for.

My Scouse mate asked me how to spell Darrell, I asked him why.
He said "I'm looking online for a pair of jeans Darrell fit me."
I replied "It's not Darrell, you daft sod, it's Warrel"!!

I said to my wife the other day, "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She said "I don't like to ring you when you're at work!"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on March 23, 2021, 10:55:50 PM
https://youtu.be/3fyFCMvtiyk (https://youtu.be/3fyFCMvtiyk)
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on March 24, 2021, 01:19:16 PM
A shipwrecked sailor spent several years on a deserted island. One morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a small boat pulling out toward him!

When the boat arrived, its occupant handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and said: "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 24, 2021, 01:37:34 PM
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years. That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years. Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 26, 2021, 05:41:19 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 26, 2021, 05:42:35 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on March 27, 2021, 12:09:50 AM
You always make me smile no matter how corney but I'm also smiling for another reason tonight  ;)
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Nick Calne on March 27, 2021, 01:49:50 PM
Your luck was in! They should have just kicked it out.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on March 27, 2021, 06:45:28 PM
Quote from: Nick Calne on March 27, 2021, 01:49:50 PM
Your luck was in! They should have just kicked it out.

:mut
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 31, 2021, 05:16:57 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 02, 2021, 03:03:30 PM
Talking to the mrs the other night about getting older.

Me: when I die, I want to go making love

Mrs L: at least it'll be quick   :icon_scratch:
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 02, 2021, 03:21:37 PM
Was called in to my doctors surgery following a blood test last week.

He told me I had to sdtop drinking.

It's gonna be a tough change to get used to, I've been with the same doctor for 15 years.   :occasion14
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: blacktiger on April 02, 2021, 04:12:58 PM
My GP is a lovely looking woman with big tits. Anyway, I went to see her the other day with sore testicles. As she held my testicles, she said; "you must stop wanking." I said why? She said; "because I'm trying to examine you!!!"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 07, 2021, 12:49:42 PM
First day back in the office today. I got there early, stepped in to the lift & just as the door was about to close, this rather large busty woman got in. Now I'm not usually one to stare but they were rather large.  :bug_eye

Anyway, she noticed me staring and said 'would you please just press one?'

so I did.

I don't think I'll be going in to the office again for a while - at least until I'm released from hospital anyway.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on April 07, 2021, 05:11:15 PM
I knew something was missing in my life  :icon_lol:
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 07, 2021, 06:40:55 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 07, 2021, 06:44:59 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Nick Calne on April 07, 2021, 10:04:32 PM
Ha!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 08, 2021, 12:17:39 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 08, 2021, 12:21:24 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 14, 2021, 02:30:12 PM
My wife was complaining that nobody ever phoned her, so I put a "How's my driving?" sticker on her car.

The phone hasn't stopped ringing since
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 14, 2021, 06:50:38 PM
I saw someone waving but wasn't sure if they were waving at me or someone behind me.

Anyway, in other news... I lost my job as a lifeguard!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 14, 2021, 06:58:24 PM
My wife & I share all the household jobs so we both do equal work.

For example, I load the dishwasher, then she reloads the dishwasher 'the right way'!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 15, 2021, 12:02:41 PM
Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a person within 5 minutes.

Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on April 18, 2021, 10:18:25 PM
We attended a cremation the other day, not many people of course, very quiet affair.

Then someone's phone started ringing, which might have been just a minor embarrassment or disrespectful at worst but ....

The unfortunate owner had selected the ringtone as "Dontcha wish your Girlfriend was Hot like me"  :mut
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on April 18, 2021, 10:23:02 PM
We had a new delivery driver knock on the door the other day who offered a box saying "I've a parcel for your next door neighbour" too lazy to go up the drive to the farm  :icon_rolleyes:

He didn't look so smug when I responded "Well you've come to the wrong address then" and closed the door.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 19, 2021, 12:32:49 PM
Today marks the start of national Diarrhoea week.

Runs until Friday!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on April 20, 2021, 10:03:30 AM
"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."

"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 20, 2021, 01:09:56 PM
Do you wear glasses?

Are you forced to wear a facemask when out and about or in public premises?

You may be entitled to condensation!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 20, 2021, 07:50:34 PM
Got my test results back today - Negative

Phew!

What is IQ anyway?  :^_^
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 20, 2021, 07:53:05 PM
Now we're coming out of lockdown in England, I couldn't resist heading off to the pub with my brother - got hammered.

Woke up this morning with a seaming hangover & the sound of my neighbour cutting his lawn.

Fuck it - I thought, he can mow around me.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 21, 2021, 12:21:12 PM
Me: What's the Wi-Fi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a beer.

Barman: Is Birra Moretti okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £4.

Me: There you go. So what's the Wi-Fi password?

Barman: you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 21, 2021, 03:39:03 PM
The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

Well, sir, is the nervous reply, As you know, there are 250 men here and no women and sir, sometimes the men have...m-m-m....urges that's why we have the camel, sir. The American Captain says, I can't say that I condone this but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay.

About a month later the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, Is that how the Irish do it?

Uh, no sir, the Sergeant replies. They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 22, 2021, 12:53:45 PM
Thought I'd be trendy & try one of these 'alternative' milks.

I don't know what a Magnesia is, but it made my cornflakes taste horrible.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 25, 2021, 05:11:25 PM
My Mrs told me I should be more in touch with my feminine side.

So I crashed the car, burned the dinner & have been in a foul mood & ignored her for no reason.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 28, 2021, 11:18:43 AM
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I meet the lads for a ride out."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 29, 2021, 01:25:41 PM
Despite what you may read, alcohol does NOT make you fat.

It makes you Lean... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 29, 2021, 01:27:45 PM
Does anyone know which page in the Bible explains how to turn water into wine?

Asking for a friend.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Nick Calne on April 29, 2021, 02:36:24 PM
That was in the 'Bible vol 2: The Technical Manual'.  Sadly, it never made it into print.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: blacktiger on April 29, 2021, 03:56:18 PM
Quote from: Lee337 on April 29, 2021, 01:27:45 PM
Does anyone know which page in the Bible explains how to turn water into wine?

Asking for a friend.

The Aliens took it home with them. They had something like the Star Trek replicator.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 30, 2021, 12:37:19 PM
Went into a Motorway services yesterday & had one of their £5.00 meal deals.

It was called a Twix.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on May 02, 2021, 04:51:58 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on May 02, 2021, 04:52:22 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on May 07, 2021, 10:43:25 AM
I walked into a chemists and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss. but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and this is
the absolute best we can do:
* 1/3 ownership in the business,
* a company car,
* a king size bed and
*£1,500 a month in living expenses
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on May 11, 2021, 06:11:16 PM
Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them.
"As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off."
"I know the feeling," the other says.
"No, I'm serious," says the first.
"They're killing me."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Nick Calne on May 11, 2021, 08:41:28 PM
I know a fair few lawyers. I suspect this is very accurate.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on May 12, 2021, 11:48:10 AM
I used to go out with the lady who did the voice for the speaking clock...
We had a big falling out though, and now she wont give me the time of day!

The police just knocked at my house to tell me my dog was chasing a kid on a bike...
I just closed the door because my dog doesn't even have a bike!


Dear Deidre,
The other day I was standing by my bedroom window, when I saw my neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless in the garden.
As I was knocking one out, I turned to notice my wife standing there, arms crossed and staring at me...
Is she a pervert?

Someone stolen all the bus stop signs from our street...
For fucks sake, where do these people get off?

I just bought Cluedo Swingers Edition...
Turns out they all did it, in every room!

"Your nan sucks cock!"
Classic insult, not so funny when she's whispering it in your ear though!

My wife bought me a horrible leather jacket, and has somehow convinced me to wear it...
I guess I'm easily suede!

I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend...
My best game of Scrabble ever!

You know what boils my piss? A kettle.
I'm no longer allowed to make the teas or coffees at work!

I said to my wife, "Would you like a Kit-Kat Chunky?"
Over five hours in A&E!

There's 2 blokes in our road, one digging holes and the other just filling them in, so I went over and asked them what they were doing?
They said, "There's normally three of us but the bloke who plants the trees is off sick!"

The mother in law came for Sunday dinner, and while sitting at the table (outside) she moaned, "Why is the dog sitting here on the floor staring at me?"
I replied, "You're using his plate!"

I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar shouted at me, "Love your neighbour."
I shouted back, "Me too, cracking pair of tits!"

During sex last night, my partner whispered in my ear, "Pretend you're my dad."
I was furious. "You are one sick-minded girl, what a disgusting thing to ask me."
I stormed out of the bedroom and slammed the door.
I mean, you don't expect shit like that from your sister, do you?

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son today that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poo in your pants, but he's still making fun of me!

On the motorway, if the person driving in front turns on their wipers when it's not raining it can only mean one thing...
She'll be changing lanes!

Did you know that the flame of a candle smells like burning nasal hair!

Watching my wife getting fingered by another woman, I decided to do what any normal man would do and had a wank...
The midwife wasn't happy though and I'm now banned from the hospital!

I fancied doing an experiment to see how long I could go without having sex...
So I got married!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on May 13, 2021, 12:01:44 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on May 13, 2021, 12:02:53 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Bixxer Bob on May 18, 2021, 07:17:30 PM
Apparently the answer to a lady saying, "Men only want one thing and it's disgusting" isn't "wash it before he comes round then"..... :icon_lol:
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on May 23, 2021, 04:55:21 PM
Car insurance quote for a new male driver:    £7000

Car insurance quote for a new female driver   £2500

Sex change operation  £2200.

Money saving tips from Gotwokequick.com




Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on May 24, 2021, 11:06:21 AM
Just wrote a book about drug smuggling...
Charlie Up The Chocolate Factory!

I was telling a woman about my ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her breasts.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then. Try"
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience
"Come on" she demanded "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied

I recently watched my wedding video backwards...
I love it when I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends!

An old lady goes to her doctor and asks for contraceptive tablets, claiming they help her sleep at night.
"Why would contraceptive pills make you sleep any better than normal?" asks the doctor.
The old lady replies, "Because I put them in my granddaughter's coffee!"

My missus shouted for me from upstairs.
She'd found some bondage mags and videos plus some whips, chains and handcuffs in our 14 year old sons bedroom.
She said, "What are you going to do about this?"
I replied, "Well, there's no point in spanking the little twat, is there!"

Two snails are chatting on the pavement.
"I'll have to cross the road," said one snail.
"Well, be careful," says the other snail. "There's a bus coming in an hour!"

I'm at the police station after drink driving.
Urine sample was positive, so I stole the sample.
Now I'm being charged for taking the piss!

My wife said it's either her or the dog...
So I've got to choose between a hairy, drooling mongrel with bad breath, or my beloved canine!

A lady carrying a duck walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Where did you get that pig?"
The lady replies, "It's a duck!"
The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck!"

Pray for my Mother-In-Law
She's been taken to hospital as a bee landed on her face.
Luckily she wasn't stung...
I was too quick with the spade!

A random bloke offered me a free gate last night.
I said, "What's the catch?"
He said, "It's the bit that allows it to open and close!"

You know what actually makes me smile?
My facial muscles!

I was sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
But she did!

A boss offers his young secretary a mink coat.
As she is admiring herself in the mirror her boss looks her up and down and says, "Your knickers are coming down."
Embarrassed, she quickly checks and replies, "No they're not."
"They are or that coat goes back to the shop!"

I think I might apply for the new series of Embarrassing Bodies...
One of my bollocks is bigger than the other two!

Just hit a record 63 on my local golf course...
Now on to the second hole!

The wife came in last night and without saying a word dropped to her knees in front of me.
As she was unbuttoning my jeans, I sighed. "OK. How badly damaged is the car this time?"

When my wife found out I was a transvestite, she went mental.
"I know this is difficult for you," I said.
"You have no fucking idea!" she snapped. "Put yourself in my shoes."
"I can't," I replied with a sigh. "They're too tight!"

I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him."
They might as well just say, "He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it!"

A couple having marital problems went to see a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."
The husband said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks!"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on May 25, 2021, 04:10:04 PM
Went to see a psychic the other day.

Knocked on the door & heard her shout 'Who is it?

So I left.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on May 25, 2021, 04:11:24 PM
Vincent Price is taller than Katie Price and heavier than Alan Price.

Found this on a Price comparison website.

Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 04, 2021, 11:48:55 AM
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No mam, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No mam, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, mam?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That's what I'll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don't want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, mam.
CALLER: How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me mam, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at CVS Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry mam, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand mam, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on June 04, 2021, 01:04:26 PM
Move to Barra and make your own Pizza :mut
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 09, 2021, 11:45:36 AM
And people wonder why i don't like to go to the same place as other English tourists...

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on June 10, 2021, 12:16:09 AM
No wonder Thomas Cook threw in the beach towel  :mut
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 12, 2021, 01:39:13 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 12, 2021, 01:41:18 PM
.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Nick Calne on June 12, 2021, 02:53:35 PM
"Furloughed halfwits against reality"

My god there's some truth right there.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 18, 2021, 10:15:15 AM
.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 19, 2021, 07:04:00 PM
The neighbours cheeky kids have just challenged me to a water fight.

Thought I'd post this update while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 20, 2021, 03:39:50 PM
Five signs of lazyness

1.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 20, 2021, 03:43:35 PM
Balloons are so weird. "Happy birthday, here's a rubber sack of my breath."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 26, 2021, 09:33:52 AM
I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that? I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place.

We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 28, 2021, 01:03:16 PM
My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his forehead...
My sister went mad when she looked in his pram!

Matt Hancock has been praised for dedication to social distancing guidelines after nobody turned up to his leaving drinks!

When I found out I was holding the taser the wrong way around, I was stunned!

I helped a neighbour out today and she said, "I could marry you."
Unbelievable! You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life!

After Matt Hancock is being accused of having an affair, lying, and being 'fucking hopeless' according to Dominic Cummings, the bookies have him odds-on favourite to be the next PM!

I said to the girl at the Tesco checkout, "Can you do this any cheaper? It has got today's date on it?"
She replied, "Look Sir do you want the newspaper or not?"

I've got terrible pains in my neck and back...
My friend has suggested I go online and try crick and correct!

Sad news. The man who devised the M&S food ads has died...
He will be cremated tomorrow in an applewood and mesquite fire with blistered marshmallows and charred Madagascan vanilla pods!

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
"Wow!" I said. "That's an amazing car."
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year!"

Want a free ride in a helicopter?
Flight for 4 people? I'm looking for 2 more to join me.
We leave on Friday & fly to Monaco where we will have breakfast and then lunch on a yacht.
If interested please PM me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go!

When I was young, I was poor.
But after years of hard, honest and painstaking work, I'm no longer young!

Just got back from visiting a lovely little place in Wales, Llysthwycyyrigridarbrewthh...
Sorry, had a hair in my mouth. I went to Swansea!

I was burgled last night. They took Mars bars, Kit Kats, as well as Snickers...
Probably a bunch of snackheads!

I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day.
He said, "Only if you make up the time."
I said, "OK. It's 35 past 50!"

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!"
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician!"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 01, 2021, 07:02:53 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 01, 2021, 07:07:19 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 07, 2021, 12:48:13 PM
John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon.
History shows us that if you don't want your child assassinated,
don't name them after an airport...

Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs.
Just 5 minutes more...

Are cheap circumcisions a rip off?...

I started my Open University psychology course today,
and I'm completely baffled.
Who is Freudian?
and why do they care so much about his lips?..

The inventor of the computer mouse has died.
They should have right clicked and saved him...

Edinburgh and Glasgow: same country, very different cities. In Edinburgh, when a gun goes off, it's one o'clock.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common, they're the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.

We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow. A great choice of venue: a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin.

My friend had his ID stolen...
...We have to call him Dav now.

I hate waking up hungover, eyebrows shaven off, with a dick drawn on my forehead. Especially as I was drinking on my own last night!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on July 07, 2021, 11:20:44 PM
Good thing the neighbour's didn't name their boy Prestwick  ;)
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on July 09, 2021, 12:22:12 AM
Shared by another Gentleman of a certain age.

When I was younger and I dropped anything on the garage floor, I'd just bend down and pick it up.

Now if I drop something, I look at it and wonder if I really need it.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on July 10, 2021, 01:52:01 AM
I'm going to get an Electric Bike  :icon_eek:

Just so I can have this patch on the back of my leathers.

LOUD STATORS SAVE LIVES
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 10, 2021, 09:34:36 AM
.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: London_Phil on July 10, 2021, 04:31:48 PM
Be nice if the ending was the same.....
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 10, 2021, 06:23:04 PM
Have you been hit with a rythim stick?

You could be entitled to compensation for personal Ian Dury.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: London_Phil on July 10, 2021, 08:33:06 PM
It was in the Gardens of Japan. He Hit me slowly, then hit me quick. Do I qualify?
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on July 10, 2021, 08:49:20 PM
Unfortunately I was miles away in Yukatan while you were being assaulted and cannot be of any help as a witness  :augie
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on July 13, 2021, 01:21:42 PM
Sitting on the bank of a stream a young fisherman trolled his bait lazily in the water and chewed comfortably on a blade of grass.

"Catch anything yet?" asked the stranger.

"Nope," murmured the fishermen.

"That's strange. It appears to be such a fine stream for trout," said the stranger.

"It must be," replied the fishermen, "they refuse to leave it."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 13, 2021, 01:51:44 PM
If you close your eyes, and rub a Kiwi fruit in one hand, and a testicle in the other, its hard to tell the difference

It also gets you banned from Asda....
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 17, 2021, 04:17:33 PM
Walking oI n my way home last night, I noticed a woman about 50m in front of me as I turned the corner.

She started to speed up, do I did, she began walking even faster, so I did too.

Then she began to run, so did I.

All of a sudden, she started screaming, so I did too.

I have no idea what was behind us but I was terrified.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 19, 2021, 05:42:13 PM
A man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.
-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.
Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g.
The boss agreed though he was surprized at the weird things the client asked to have.
The client went into his room, he didn't ask for food or anything else.
Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39.
After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor.
The boss didn't sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise.
In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first.
He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.
The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.
The boss was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.
After one year, the client showed up again. He asked to see the boss again. The boss was in a puzzle.
The client asked the same things: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and an orange 79g.
This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before.
Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face.
The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 39? why the white thread? why the black knife??? In fact, the boss didn't arrive to any convincing answer to all these questions.
The boss now was eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up.
To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.
The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before.
In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.
-''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''
-''I promise I will never let anyone know''.
-''Swear''
-''I swear I won't reveal your secret''
So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss.

Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person. Until now he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone.
When he does, I will let you know...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: blacktiger on July 19, 2021, 05:53:17 PM
Quote from: Lee337 on July 19, 2021, 05:42:13 PM
A man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.
-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.
Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g.
The boss agreed though he was surprized at the weird things the client asked to have.
The client went into his room, he didn't ask for food or anything else.
Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39.
After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor.
The boss didn't sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise.
In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first.
He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.
The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.
The boss was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.
After one year, the client showed up again. He asked to see the boss again. The boss was in a puzzle.
The client asked the same things: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and an orange 79g.
This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before.
Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face.
The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 39? why the white thread? why the black knife??? In fact, the boss didn't arrive to any convincing answer to all these questions.
The boss now was eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up.
To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.
The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before.
In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.
-''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''
-''I promise I will never let anyone know''.
-''Swear''
-''I swear I won't reveal your secret''
So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss.

Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person. Until now he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone.
When he does, I will let you know...

And the moral is that if you see a joke that long, just skip to the end for the (lack of) punch line.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 29, 2021, 06:11:26 PM
Went for a job interview earlier today with a trial run in the customer service dept, didn't get it.

Apparently the correct phrase is 'Burial or cremation' not 'smoking or non-smoking'
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on August 03, 2021, 12:24:49 PM
I've just read that taking your bike to work everyday is good for the environment, so I thought, 'Oh well, why not?' It's not like I'm using the roof rack for anything else anyway!

I live for two reasons:
1) I was born
2) I haven't died yet

Saw a bloke in an AA van yesterday crying his eyes out...
Think he was heading for a breakdown!

I went back to see my doctor yesterday.
I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.
I said, "On the bus!"

I was with my new girlfriend the other night getting down and dirty.
I pulled out my fully erect cock and she said "Bloody hell, you could knock somebody out with that!"
I said "Do you really think so?"
She said "Oh yeah, it fucking stinks!"

I bought a blow up doll last week and I must admit it's just like the real thing...
It won't suck me off, it can't cook and it won't clean the house!

Just bought two Harry Potter brooms in Poundland...
Quid-each!

My wife's fanny smells like roses...
But Rose's fanny is tighter!

My boss yelled at me this morning, "It's the fifth time you've been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?"
I said, "It's Friday!"

I went to my mates wedding and I whispered to a bloke next to me, "Fuck me, that bride is pig ugly!"
"Do you mind! That's my daughter you're talking about!"
"I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father."
"I'm not. I'm her mother!"

Research shows that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty minute jog...
So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers!

Mobile phones nowadays are so expensive...
When you fall over and hear a crack sound you pray it's your leg!

I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law...
She lives alone at Flat 48 Station Road on the 3rd floor and she has just won the lottery.
The keys are under door mat!

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe,
but if you remove it, you get... Gravy!

My doctor has advised me to stop drinking.
It's going to be a massive change for me... I've been with that doctor for 15 years!

I took my young son camping at the weekend.
As we sat around the fire he said, "I need a shit."
I said, "That's the beauty of camping, you can shit anywhere & you can't get into trouble."
He walked off & came back a few minutes later.
"Where did you have one?"
"In your car!"

I went to see a Psychic last night,
I said to her, "Before I pay you, prove your abilities or I'm leaving."
She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You masturbate a lot."
I said, "Fucking hell! That's brilliant, but how do you know?"
She said, "You're wearing a wedding ring!"

I went to a fish restaurant last night and ordered the Octopus.
The waiter said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
I replied, "Why?" He said,
"Because it keeps turning the gas off!"

At the Olympics I saw an athlete carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
He replied, "No I'm German but how do you know my name is Walter?"

Managed to get a girl from the club back to my house last night, by telling her I hadan Olympic gold medal...
"Wow, that's amazing!" she said, lifting it from its stand on the mantelpiece. "What did you win this in?"
"Online auction!"

When I see lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's cute...
I just think how strange it is that people take a fucking knife on a date!

Got home from the pub at 4am this morning and the wife was waiting at the front door holding a rolling pin.
I said, "What the hell are you baking at this hour?"

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how pissed you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."
She said, "Yes you are."
I said, "No I'm fucking not."
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock & said, "I'm not fucking drunk!"

I fried an egg on a car bonnet today which taught me two things:
1. It really is hot enough to fry an egg on a car bonnet...
2. People get annoyed when you drop eggs on their car!

If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be...
No need to remind her every half hour!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on August 05, 2021, 02:12:26 PM
Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas canisters on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dove into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are all fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Your loving son
Bobby
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on August 11, 2021, 04:59:54 PM
I'm going to France tomorrow for the world "Flicking A Ruler On The Edge Of A Desk" championships.

It's held annually in the Dordogne.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on August 14, 2021, 12:34:58 PM
TOP TIP OF THE DAY
If you ever date a dominatrix...
Never ever suggest it's time to hit the sack.

Some of us learned this the hard way
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: London_Phil on August 14, 2021, 01:11:17 PM
Quote from: Lee337 on August 14, 2021, 12:34:58 PM
TOP TIP OF THE DAY
If you ever date a dominatrix...
Never ever suggest it's time to hit the sack.

Some of us learned this the hard way

Yeah, but what if.......
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on August 15, 2021, 05:14:42 PM
Ran hone to the wife this afternoon, pulled her upstairs into the bedroom, threw her on the bed and pulled the covers over us.

She was shocked, exclaiming that it's years since I'd done anything like that.

Imagine her surprise when I pointed out that my new watch glows in the dark.

Paramedics say  should be able to walk again in a few days.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: blacktiger on August 15, 2021, 11:03:41 PM
VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on August 17, 2021, 10:20:16 AM
I'll never forget my dad's last words to me...


"Are you sure the power is switched off?"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on August 17, 2021, 06:10:26 PM
 :icon_scratch:
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on September 02, 2021, 10:24:55 AM
That's why it is a good idea to have someone else proofread your stuff...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: blacktiger on September 02, 2021, 11:05:08 AM
Quote from: ghulst on September 02, 2021, 10:24:55 AM
That's why it is a good idea to have someone else proofread your stuff...

They did but they were chinese as well.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on September 02, 2021, 11:50:00 AM
Or they paid them badly...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: blacktiger on September 02, 2021, 12:03:08 PM
Ozzyman reviews are always funny. This one shows that you don't fuck with a Rhino. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97hyh43DG5E
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Nick Calne on September 02, 2021, 02:32:58 PM
The crab on the nut sack!!! :*&*
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on September 04, 2021, 06:53:31 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on September 06, 2021, 03:41:00 PM
Antiques Roadshow

What they say & what they mean.

"I was given it by an old lady that I used to clean for.........I stole it from a senile old bat.
"It's been in my family for generations"...........................it still would be but my tight Father left me nowt in his will.
"I don't care that it's worth £2000, I'll never part with it"......where's the nearest Jewellers?
"These are my Grandfather's medals".............................if they're worth nowt the Imperial war museum can have them
"I've always loved this vase""........................................it's fucking hideous
"It's got sentimental value"............................................if it's worth enough to get me to Ibiza it's history.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on September 09, 2021, 05:42:20 PM
Was out in the garden and a woodpecker just called me a paranoid dickhead in Morse code :^_^
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on September 09, 2021, 05:45:02 PM
One minute you're young and fun...

the next you're turning down the stereo in the car to see better!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on September 16, 2021, 11:03:38 AM
Three men are walking in the desert, all dehydrated.

They approach a slide with an empty paddling pool beneath it with a wizard standing nearby.

Wizard: 'This slide is magical. When you slide down it, you can say a drink of your choosing and the paddling pool will fill up with that drink.'

The first guy slides down and shouts, 'Water!' and he lands in a pool filled with water.

The second guy slides down and says 'Apple Juice!' and lands in a pool filled with apple juice.

The third guy slides down and shouts, 'Wee!'
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on September 29, 2021, 06:31:33 PM
I was born male...

I identify as male...

But according to Sainsbury's Delux Sticky Toffee Pudding I'm actually  a family of four!  :icon_scratch:
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 12, 2021, 05:51:42 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 12, 2021, 05:52:45 PM
Next door has finally got her halloween costume sorted.

Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on October 12, 2021, 06:47:21 PM
I guess I'm in that 5%...


(https://media.giphy.com/media/FsjKSkH8vj6Ew/giphy-downsized-large.gif)
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 16, 2021, 06:40:21 PM
A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.

"Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up..."

"Yes, son?" the father asked, ready to console him.
"...Which bus would I take home?"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 18, 2021, 01:25:25 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 18, 2021, 01:25:54 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 23, 2021, 01:29:22 PM
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big ti*ts.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big ti*ts, but there was no passion. I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. I decided to find someone with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious lady with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I'm older and wiser now and I'm looking for a woman with big ti*ts.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 30, 2021, 06:22:42 PM
"How did you lose your hands?", asked a bloke in the pub.
"I stole a fish in the Middle East", I replied, "it was so big that I couldn't run fast enough and they caught me."
"How big was it?" he said.
I held my arms out wide and said, "A bit bigger than that."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 30, 2021, 06:25:24 PM
I recently signed up for an excercise class & was told to wear loose fittign clothes...


If I had any loose fitting clothes, I wouldn't have needed to sign up in the first place  :^_^
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on November 07, 2021, 12:35:34 PM
Well, what a relief!! At long last, I've finally had some good luck for a change!

I saw a fortune-teller recently who told me to beware of a stranger who will try and take me for a mug and con me out of a large cash sum during the next 3 weeks.

Well, I've been careful and the 3 weeks are up today, and brilliant!.. nothing's happened!!
Best £500 quid I've ever spent.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on November 07, 2021, 12:37:12 PM
Why is it that only people with rubbish video cameras and shaky hands can see UFOs?
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on November 11, 2021, 12:41:10 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on November 11, 2021, 12:41:37 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on November 25, 2021, 01:31:15 PM
Just been down to the gym, they've got a new machine in.

Only used for half an hour as I started to feel sick.

It's great though, it does everyting - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, crisps, the lot.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on November 25, 2021, 01:41:30 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on December 05, 2021, 12:33:34 PM
More!




Probably not the best 'Safe Word' to use   :^_^
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on December 05, 2021, 12:39:43 PM
Bought this great book a few months ago, "How to scam people on-line".

Still hasn't arrived yet!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on December 07, 2021, 01:01:36 PM
As i get older, I find I only need three shops, Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on December 07, 2021, 01:04:10 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on December 07, 2021, 01:11:00 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on December 10, 2021, 04:40:27 PM
It's been an unusual day, first my ex gets run over by a bus, then I lose my job as a bus driver!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on December 10, 2021, 05:02:00 PM
Grandkids keep finding the Christmas presents I have hidden around the house.

Neighbour suggested I put them up in the loft, so I did.

Last night I literally had no sleep. All I could hear was them crying and moaning about spiders, the dark and wanting to be let back down. Any other suggestions?
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on December 27, 2021, 08:33:36 PM
Can't believe this, 363 days to Christmas & there's idiots out there with Xmas lights up already  :icon_eek:
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on December 29, 2021, 02:50:46 PM
I was on the net the other day and my wife walks in and asks what am I doing, I said I was looking at flights.

Overcome with joy and emotion, she shouted "thank you darling" and dragged me into the bedroom for passionate sex. As I lay there afterwards, I thought funny, she`s never shown an interest in darts before.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on December 29, 2021, 02:59:50 PM
My mum's dog eats anything if you don't watch him.

last week he ran off with the xmas tree lights when we turned our back for less than 10 seconds. When we eventually caught him he'd eaten them. So off to the vets we went again.

You should have seen his little face light up when the vet said he'd be ok.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on December 29, 2021, 03:01:55 PM
Don't know what the world's comming to, 360 days until Christmas & some idiots in my road have their Xmas lights up already.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on December 31, 2021, 06:27:18 PM
I refuse to put on winter tyres because:
• It's my car, my choice, my freedom.
• The effectiveness of winter tyres is not proven, except by studies carried out by the manufacturers (like I'm supposed to trust them).
• My neighbour Bob had an accident even after putting on winter tyres.
• Some drivers are already on their 3rd set of tyres, which proves their ineffectiveness.
• We do not know what the tyres are made of.
• The tyre manufacturers scare us with winter just to enrich themselves.
• I read on the internet that the tyre giants invented snow and spread it at night when you sleep.
• If I have winter tires, the government can track me in the snow.

Educate yourself, open your eyes, stop being sheep!

This year, I say no to winter tyres!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Nick Calne on December 31, 2021, 07:32:51 PM
Ha! Love it.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on December 31, 2021, 09:23:14 PM
 :mut :thumbsup
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 01, 2022, 01:23:12 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 01, 2022, 01:23:38 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 01, 2022, 01:24:02 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 03, 2022, 05:47:26 PM
I asked my wife to give me some oral relief today.
"Do you want me to suck you off?" she asked.
"No," I replied, "I want you to shut the fuck up!"

I was ironing in front of my front room window, wearing nothing but nappies and a gas mask the other day.
I'm lucky nobody saw me, imagine the embarrassment - me, a full grown man...
...Ironing!

I was on a first date with this woman and she asked, "How big is your cock?"
I replied, "Put it this way, I've got the name of that famous Welsh railway station tattooed on it."
I think she was a little disappointed when she saw it said Rhyl..

You know you're getting old when the noises you've made during sex are the same ones you now make getting out of bed!

I was out with my friends last night and they told me that as soon as the weather turns nice, they're going camping and asked if I'd like to join them. So I've made a list of the things I need:

1) New friends.

My missus is home after her breast reduction operation...
I must admit, she does look better with just the two!

I've realised the problem isn't what I eat between Christmas and New Year...
It's what I eat between New Year and Christmas!

My mate just pulled into his driveway to see some thieving lowlife jump over his back fence.
"Think the piece of shit was after the golf cart"
He said his wife must have put up a good fight though because she lost most of her clothes, is drenched in sweat and can hardly walk
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 04, 2022, 07:16:49 PM
Happy New Year & welcome to 2022.

Made some New Year resolutions.

1 - Stop writing lists

B - Be more consistent

7 - Learn to count.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 13, 2022, 05:52:18 PM
Out of work again, so Mrs L suggested that if I was bored, I could make a Bird table.

Now she's kicking off because I put her in 4th place.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on January 13, 2022, 08:03:01 PM
 :*&*
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 18, 2022, 06:33:42 PM
Apparently it's rude to poke someone in the head and say 'skip intro' when they start talking to you.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 19, 2022, 11:43:25 AM
I love putting fresh, warm underwear on, straight from the dryer. Plus it's fun looking around the laundromat to see if I can guess who they belong to.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 26, 2022, 04:06:03 PM
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that

would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters,explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 30, 2022, 11:52:30 AM
I spent a morning at the cop shop last week being interviewed by the police. I watch loads of police dramas so I knew that the best answer to give to questions was " no comment " so I just kept on repeating it.

I'm now beginning to wonder if that's why I didn't get the job .
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 30, 2022, 12:03:20 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 30, 2022, 12:03:49 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: London_Phil on January 30, 2022, 01:47:14 PM
Kyleeeee... In the voice of Martin Clunes..
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 04, 2022, 01:03:22 PM
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 04, 2022, 01:09:12 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on February 07, 2022, 11:29:38 AM
As an enthusiastic Dutch cyclist, I am looking at this and wonder... Honestly, 1.5 metres is outrageous in most circumstances. Well, in my opinion anyway. I would like to have a bit of space so I don't feel a car mirror brushing past my arm. (And believe me, that has happened.) But as long as we allow everyone a bit of space, this should be alright without the fundamentalism around the 1.5 metres. ;-)
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 07, 2022, 12:40:03 PM
If I'm honest I always give around 1.5m space when overtaking a cyclist, more if I can and will usually slow down. Always slow down for horses & be ready to stop too, living in a rural area, this happens more than you'd think. I also give way to pedestrians if they're on the road and when turning from a minor road to a major one. I really don't have an issue with most road users. If i'm i the car, I loo out for them, if I'm on the bike I think they're all out to get me, so I look out for them - makes sensew to me.

But there's always those who take the p1$$, like the local bike club who own the road and make sure everyone knows it.

I do occasionally cycle myself but unlike the local lycra clad cyclists, I obey the rules of the road, give way when I should, stop at red lights and don't ride in the middle of the road, especially if there are cycle paths.

On another note, I've ordered the cricket bat and am awaiting delivery  :thumbsup
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on February 08, 2022, 03:12:36 PM
Back to our regular service:


"You are never too old to learn something stupid."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 14, 2022, 01:09:41 PM
Just been banned from my local chemist. I only walked up to the girl behind the counter & asked 'Do you do it anally or swallow?'

Still don't know what I'm supposed to do with the suppository  :m
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 15, 2022, 12:21:39 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 24, 2022, 05:02:11 PM
 Having a clear out so put all my dogging equipment on eBay.

No bids yet but I have 14 people watching.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on February 25, 2022, 09:37:41 AM
(https://i.ibb.co/jrNptkD/576fda7a-c8c4-4a51-a5ff-1ead9e2bfddf.jpg)
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 28, 2022, 05:30:28 PM
A council housing department actually received these complaints:

These are actual complaints that Council flat tenants registered to their local Council about problems with their flats

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my wall.

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 28, 2022, 09:42:37 PM
Start my new job as a waiter on Monday, not brilliant but it puts food on the table.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 05, 2022, 12:38:23 PM
Decided to pull a nose hair out today, to see if it hurt.

Judging by the reaction of the bloke asleep next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 07, 2022, 12:22:20 PM
Boating lake manager: "come in number 9, your time is up."

Manager's assistant: "we only have 8 boats"

Boating lake manager: "is everything all right number 6?"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 08, 2022, 01:23:48 PM
Has anyone else noted the trend where people name their kids after stuff they can't afford:

Mercedes, Diamond, Chardonnay,

Next it will be

Rent, Gas, Electric Diesel.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 08, 2022, 01:24:48 PM
Following some recent tests at the hospital I got a letter from my doctor.
I read it and said to my wife,
"Ya Beauty!"
"The doctor says that I need to have daily sex !"
"Woo Hoo!"
She gasped in shock and snatched the letter out of my hand, read it to herself and then said...
"Oh Thank God!"
"You're an idiot!"
"He says you're dyslexic!"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 08, 2022, 01:26:53 PM
A tall cute very attractive young female worker with shoulder length blonde hair wearing an extremely short skirt and a very tight sheer top goes to her HR Department to make a complaint.

The HR manager tells her that he's really sorry to hear that something at work has caused her to feel that she needs to make a formal complaint.

She is asked to explain what it is that has caused her problems.

She explains that she is being constantly sexually harassed by a coworkers and she's finally had enough and it has to stop immediately and she needs him to be sacked immediately or she will be forced to resign and sue the company.

The manager asks her exactly what has been happening.

She tells him that every day at lunchtime in the staff break room a male co-worker walks up very close to her at the coffee machine, leans in close, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair always smells so nice.

The Human Resources Manager is a little puzzled, and asks her

"Well I can appreciate that while he might well be making you a little uncomfortable, especially if he's getting into your personal space...."

"I can't help but say that I feel that you may be overreacting ever so slightly..."

"do you really think that his complementing you on the scent of your shampoo is really a sacking offence?"

"Sure we can ask him to stop doing it but really, what's so creepy or threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies,

"It's Frank, the dwarf...."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 09, 2022, 12:32:33 AM
Diesel £1.68 a litre average £90 to fill up.
Drive off without paying and get £50 fine in a few weeks.
Saving £40
Follow me for more money saving tips.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: London_Phil on March 15, 2022, 09:44:27 AM
Comes with free bed n breakfast at a secure location as well......
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 16, 2022, 02:58:49 PM
Being a man means I can do what I want, when I want and not having to answer to...


Shit, she's comming!


To be continued...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 16, 2022, 03:01:21 PM
If you are travelling on the M1 in Bedfordshire this evening be advised a coach load of musicians has overturned at J13.

Expect lengthy jams
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 17, 2022, 10:31:50 AM
Little April wasn't a very good pupil

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 31, 2022, 02:38:46 PM
I found £20 when I was out earlier. the note was just lying there in the carpark.

I said to my self 'What would Jesus do?'

So I turned it into wine!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 31, 2022, 02:43:04 PM
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Title: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on March 31, 2022, 07:32:29 PM
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the
opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.

"Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 01, 2022, 12:21:40 PM
When I was growing up, my parents would often say' Excuse my french' after a swear word.

I'll never forget my first day at senior school when the teacher asked if any of us knew any french...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 04, 2022, 11:54:46 AM
I used to date a girl with a twin.

People used to say 'How can you tell them apart?'

It was simple, Gill painted her nails purple, Bob had a cock.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 05, 2022, 08:22:43 PM
 My daughter said 'before we go on holiday, I hope you're going to shave off that horrible moustache, it's embarrasing'.

I was stunned. That's the bravest thing I've heard anyone say to the wife.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 10, 2022, 11:42:25 AM
Boy, am I in trouble if anyone finds out I really don't have tourettes
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 15, 2022, 11:56:50 AM
I saw someone waving but I wasn't sure if they were waving at me or someone behind me...

Anyway, in other news, I've lost my job as a lifeguard!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 15, 2022, 12:00:45 PM
Bought the wife a Pug dog yesterday.

Despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 17, 2022, 11:54:26 AM
When one door closes, another one opens.




Other than that, it's a good car.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 19, 2022, 11:40:36 AM
I've just rung the council to ask if I could have permission to have a skip outside the house.

She said go for it fatty, you could do with the exercise!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 21, 2022, 08:10:27 PM
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1650395581839.png
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 21, 2022, 08:17:33 PM
Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish & he'll begin to understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 26, 2022, 10:21:48 AM
My girlfriend said to me the other day,

"What was it that first attracted you to me?"

"Was it my eyes?"

I said,

"No - not that"

So she asked me,

"Was it my smile then?"

Again I said,

"No - it wasn't that either...

Then - getting a little irate she asked,

"Well was it my legs or my figure then?"

Once again I had to say,

"No - not that either..."

Even more annoyed by this she said loudly,

"Oh I give in..."

So I said,

"Yes that was it!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 27, 2022, 09:05:08 PM
I recently decided to join a nudist colony.

The first few days were the hardest.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on May 03, 2022, 05:54:30 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on May 04, 2022, 07:17:29 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on May 10, 2022, 11:06:55 AM
When Spiderman shoots a sticky substance all over someone, he's "amazing" but when I do it, I'm a pervert!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 08, 2022, 06:46:21 PM
I was so drunk at the weekend, what with all the Platinum Jubilee celebrations, and the festival in the local town.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs., I took off my shoes,coat, shirt trousers and underwear. I crept very quietly upstairs...

It was only when I got to the top of teh stairs, I realised I was on a fu**ing bus!!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 08, 2022, 06:47:07 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 08, 2022, 06:47:51 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 08, 2022, 06:51:14 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on June 27, 2022, 01:53:30 PM
A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries. 

"Sounds great," said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some. 

He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container. 

"Wait a minute," the boy said. "Those don't look fat-free." 

"Sure they are," the cook said. "We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on July 14, 2022, 11:42:42 AM
A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've got the results back from your battery of tests, and we've found you have an extremely nasty and rare virus that is highly contagious and is frequently fatal."

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, Doctor?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "No... but it's the only food we can slide under the door."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 18, 2022, 07:23:52 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 18, 2022, 07:24:37 PM
My new t-shirt
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 18, 2022, 07:25:16 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 18, 2022, 07:25:54 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 18, 2022, 07:26:34 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 18, 2022, 07:27:13 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 18, 2022, 07:27:47 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: London_Phil on July 20, 2022, 08:47:34 PM
The Gash Safe engineer came to check my old boiler last week, good to know she's ok for another year.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 30, 2022, 11:07:06 AM
In April 1970, I was riding my pushbike, tried to jump a curb, fell off and rolled through one of the neighbours rose bushes. I really hurt my knee.

I'm telling you this now as we didn't have social media back then.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on August 11, 2022, 01:35:09 PM
Little kids in the classroom, when the teacher says "who knows some farm noises"?
Angie says sheep, Baa. Willy says cow, Moo. Suzie says Dog, woof woof.  "I know one"! Little Johnny screams out. Get off that F#cking tractor. 
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on August 15, 2022, 06:24:25 PM
A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey'......
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on August 16, 2022, 12:25:34 PM
Today (16 August) is National Tell A Joke Day in the UK.

Unfortunately, the origin of National Tell A Joke Day has been lost to history, which isn't surprising considering that humans don't know the origin of jokes. Anecdotal evidence suggests that the joke was invented by Palamedes — a Greek hero who outwitted Odysseus on the eve of the Trojan War — the evidence presented for that claim is pretty thin. All that can be said on the subject is that joking is probably as old as language itself.

So, here's a few oldies:

What do dentists call their x-rays!

Tooth pics!



Did you hear about the restaurant that opened on the moon?

The food was great but it had no atmosphere!



What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing it just waved!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on August 23, 2022, 07:30:05 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on September 01, 2022, 04:21:04 PM
A man was watching his wife while she is frying sausages in a pan. Before she puts the sausages in the pan, she cuts off the two ends, throws them away, and cooks the middle part of the sausage.
Het husband looks at her, and then asks: "Honey, why do you always cut of the two ends of the sausage before frying it". The woman answers that she doesn't know, she has learned to do that from her mother.
The next day, they visit the mother, and the woman asks her why she has been taught to cut off the ends of the sausage before frying it. "I actually don't know, that is what my mother, your grandmother always told me to do.
We should go and ask her." So the two women leave the house, and go to visit the grandmother.
"Grandmother, why did you learn us to cut of the ends of a sausage before frying it" the daughter asks. "It's a family tradition, the grandmother says, I don't know. I just did it because my mother, your great-grandmother did it.
We should visit her, she's in the retirement home. "
The three women go to visit the retirement home, and meet the great-grandmother, who is a bit hard hearing. "Great-grandmother," the woman asks loudly,
"Why did you always tell us to cut of the pieces of a sausage before frying it"

The old woman looks amazed at them, and responds:

"Wait, what, you are still using that little pan!".............
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on September 01, 2022, 04:24:04 PM
What space film was made in 1992?

Thought it was Apollo 13 but according t Google, I was wrong.

Google it to find out...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Nick Calne on September 07, 2022, 09:26:00 AM
Quote from: Lee337 on September 01, 2022, 04:24:04 PMWhat space film was made in 1992?

Thought it was Apollo 13 but according t Google, I was wrong.

Google it to find out...

Hahahaha very funny!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on September 10, 2022, 09:03:38 AM
My wife tells me I can be an idiot sometimes...

I think its pretty cool for to give permission like that!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on September 17, 2022, 11:22:55 AM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on September 20, 2022, 02:50:58 PM
My car broke down this morning, so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine. Amazingly he said, "Hello, sir. You are a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed, too."

I realised the problem straight away. Bat flattery!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 01, 2022, 10:27:11 AM
Went to the gym for the first time in ages yesterday.

The gym instructor asked me what type of squat I was accustomed to doing.

Apparently 'diddly' wasn't the correct answer.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 01, 2022, 10:32:03 AM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 01, 2022, 10:32:53 AM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 01, 2022, 10:33:27 AM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 01, 2022, 10:34:16 AM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 04, 2022, 02:16:33 PM
Reading this science book at the moment, it's a bit heavy going though - it's about anti-gravity.


I can't put it down!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 05, 2022, 05:45:00 PM
Me & Mrs L out for a beer last night...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 05, 2022, 05:45:31 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 05, 2022, 05:45:58 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: London_Phil on October 06, 2022, 04:50:15 PM
This seems a bit personal, as my wife was very keen to show me this
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 07, 2022, 10:45:49 AM
English for beginners

Tsunami ... T is silent
Honest ... H is silent
Psychology ... P is silent
Knife ... K is silent
Wife ... Husband is silent

Class dismissed ...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 09, 2022, 11:54:04 AM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 09, 2022, 11:54:45 AM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 14, 2022, 09:31:19 AM
Mrs L was feeling bit down last night, so I let her colour in my tattoo.

She felt a lot better, apparently, she just needed a shoulder to crayon...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on October 14, 2022, 09:59:13 PM
I like it.
Americans just don't get humour like this  ;)
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on October 22, 2022, 11:27:24 PM
My wife gave our both our sons & families some advice during the current flooding in New South Wales Australia, "don't open any ice cream containers floating past".  :nono
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 30, 2022, 10:45:45 AM
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Harley instead of the Triumph Tiger... YOU RIDE IT!!".......
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on October 30, 2022, 10:46:39 AM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on November 06, 2022, 08:36:26 PM
Met my old friend on a flight to the US last week.

I shouldn't have shouted Hi to him across the cabin...

I know that now!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: the slow heart on November 09, 2022, 08:26:03 AM
Quote from: Lee337 on October 30, 2022, 10:45:45 AMA Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

....
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Harley instead of the Triumph Tiger... YOU RIDE IT!!".......

Awesome joke  :*&*
Made my kid laughing out loud   :occasion14 
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on December 09, 2022, 05:23:22 PM
Dear Santa,

I'm writing to tell you I've been naughty and it was worth it.

You fat, judgmental ba$t4rd.

Yours

Lee337
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: London_Phil on December 09, 2022, 05:33:42 PM
Quote from: Lee337 on December 09, 2022, 05:23:22 PMDear Santa,

I'm writing to tell you I've been naughty and it was worth it.

You fat, judgmental ba$t4rd.

Yours

Lee337

You just want free coal....
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Nick Calne on December 23, 2022, 11:45:19 AM
Coal - Quite a welcome gift in these days of high energy costs.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on December 24, 2022, 07:01:34 PM
My sex life is like a Ferrari  :XXsunsmile

I don't have a ferrari  :icon_frown:
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on December 30, 2022, 01:16:37 AM
I still have quite a bit of Turkey left overs and don't want any more soup or sandwiches  :icon_scratch:

Keep calm
   and
Curry On
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on December 31, 2022, 10:59:51 AM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on December 31, 2022, 11:03:03 AM
TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

ANGLE GRINDER :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER:
aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

BASTARD TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Bastard' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: London_Phil on December 31, 2022, 02:54:19 PM
You forgot Compressor
A device for failing to remove fixings assembled by someone with a bigger one than yours.....oh err....
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on January 01, 2023, 03:03:16 AM
Neutron goes into a bar and orders a double whiskey.

Bar person pours the drink.

Neutron - "What do I give you?"

Bar person - "No charge"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 17, 2023, 04:26:27 PM
CEO's of beer brewers are at a convention. At break time, they head to the complimentary beer dispensary.

The Aussie says, let me have a Fosters, the best beer in Australia.

The American says let me have a Bud, king of beers.

The German says Give me a Lowenbrau, best beer since 1400!

The Irishman says I'll have club soda with a twist of lime.

All the men look at him in amazement. Then one asks, Paddy, aren't you going to have a Guinness?"

Paddy answers, "If you blokes aren't drinking, neither am I!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on January 25, 2023, 12:23:13 PM
What do you get the person that's got everything?

Storage space!


(I know I need some.)
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on January 27, 2023, 11:20:27 AM
When I was a boy my momma would send me down to the corner store with $1.00.

I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs.


You can't do that now...too many security cameras.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on February 02, 2023, 03:07:55 PM
When I was a kid, I wanted to play the guitar badly. 

And after years of hard work, practice and dedication, I can now play the guitar... badly.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 02, 2023, 05:13:03 PM
Just had to have an operation on my left hand. After coming back from the operating theatre I asked the surgeon if it had been successful and would I be able to play guitar.

He told me yes, which is great news as I couldn't play one before.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: London_Phil on February 02, 2023, 08:41:24 PM
Quote from: Lee337 on February 02, 2023, 05:13:03 PMJust had to have an operation on my left hand. After coming back from the operating theatre I asked the surgeon if it had been successful and would I be able to play guitar.

He told me yes, which is great news as I couldn't play one before.

You also know what you need to do if you want to play sports etc, I saw it on an advert for ladyproducts...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 07, 2023, 03:28:18 PM
why did the English wear red uniforms?


Well, an English officer captured by the French was asked why they wore red coats as it only made them better targets. "It's so that if I get shot, my soldiers won't see my blood and lose heart", the English officer said.

And that is why, ever since, French officers have worn brown trousers....
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on February 11, 2023, 05:41:25 AM
Very good  :rfl
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on February 13, 2023, 09:55:56 PM
A blonde woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!" she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!"
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner!!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on February 20, 2023, 10:34:23 AM
 :rfl
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on March 13, 2023, 01:20:37 PM
In the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. 

The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: London_Phil on March 13, 2023, 02:31:16 PM
I bought a Saab from Neil Diamond on eBay.
User name "Swede car online"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: London_Phil on March 13, 2023, 02:33:36 PM
Quote from: ghulst on March 13, 2023, 01:20:37 PMIn the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full.

The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."

I just spotted that the special OBD cable I just received today, to allow me to clone and tune my Saab, was from Phoenix, which prompted my lame Saab joke...It's a saab saab story...
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Sin_Tiger on March 13, 2023, 02:40:43 PM
Quote from: London_Phil on March 13, 2023, 02:31:16 PMI bought a Saab from Neil Diamond on eBay.
User name "Swede car online"

 :BangHead
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 13, 2023, 04:36:19 PM
We got snow   :thumbsup

Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on March 13, 2023, 04:36:49 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on March 15, 2023, 11:41:26 AM
Quote from: London_Phil on March 13, 2023, 02:33:36 PMI just spotted that the special OBD cable I just received today, to allow me to clone and tune my Saab, was from Phoenix, which prompted my lame Saab joke...It's a saab saab story...
That's a good one  :thumbsup
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on March 15, 2023, 11:44:35 AM
Quote from: ghulst on March 13, 2023, 01:20:37 PMIn the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full.

The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."
I read this to my wife & she laughed (which she doesn't do often)  :thumbsup
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: ghulst on March 28, 2023, 11:17:08 AM
A lady was having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas and she was down to her last $50.

Exasperated, she exclaimed, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggested, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" and walked away.

Moments later, his attention was grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. "Maybe she won!" he thought. Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd he found the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man was stunned. He asked, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replied, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29 and 47 came up. Then she just fainted!"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 03, 2023, 06:00:17 PM
A little six year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book.

But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while..."

Billy says, "I'm fine, Mommy...i just haven't gone 'doody' yet."

Mother says, " Okay, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says, " Works for ketchup."
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on April 04, 2023, 12:28:19 PM
 :ImaPoser  :thumbsup
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 05, 2023, 11:31:17 AM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 06, 2023, 05:07:20 PM
A man staggers, ashen-faced, into a roadside bar, demanding a large brandy. The barman is concerned.

"Well" says the man, "I was just driving along and my BMW suddenly gave up the ghost! So I cruised into the layby just along the road here, and opened the bonnet. But I have no idea how these modern cars work! I was about to call the Automobile Association when I saw two horses come up to the fence and peer at the engine. And one of them actually spoke! Clear as day! Couldn't believe my ears!"

"Oh, yes – what did it say?"

"Well, this is the extraordinary thing – it told me to press down on some bit of plastic until I heard a click. So I did that – and then this horse told me to try the engine – and it started immediately!"

"Ah," said the barman. "And tell me, what colour was this horse?"

"Colour? Colour? What do you mean colour? The damn' thing spoke to me, clear as day! But, it was a brown horse!"

"Thought so," says the barman, polishing the next batch of glasses.

"Thought so? Didn't you hear what I'm saying? This horse damn well spoke to me!"

"Well", says the barman, "I thought it would be her. The white one knows nothing about BMW ignition systems!"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on April 13, 2023, 10:58:50 PM
Was travelling down to Devon today & stopped at a service station for a coffee

Walked on to Starbucks & ordered a latte.as usual the young girl behind the counter asked my name. Don't know why but I told her my name was Cof.

A few minutes later the shout went out 'latte for cof'.

I'm not sure she worked out why half the customers were laughing.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on April 21, 2023, 10:49:01 PM
Quote from: Lee337 on March 13, 2023, 04:36:49 PM.


Well that's fairly true  :icon_lol:
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 14, 2023, 09:38:46 AM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 14, 2023, 01:36:10 PM
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings

The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be"
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on June 30, 2023, 01:28:34 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 01, 2023, 10:44:14 AM
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them...

the police call it indecent exposure, I know that now!
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 01, 2023, 10:48:57 AM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 02, 2023, 01:19:27 PM
Watched Huw fearnley whittingstall go into fields & woods, he picked wild garlic, wild fennel, wild mushrooms, he then found some duck eggs & made a delicious looking omelette, inspired by this I picked some wild mushrooms from the woods, sadly I couldn't identify any other edible plants so when I got home I cooked the wild mushrooms in a risotto, it was delicious, can't take all the credit though as I was assisted by three green pixies who were dressed as ballerinas singing oh solé mio,
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on July 02, 2023, 01:20:00 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on January 03, 2024, 04:48:37 AM
 :thumbsup Someone with an eye for recycling, artistic & practical [attach id=19177]
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on January 03, 2024, 11:16:47 AM
Another sculpture by a local motor enthusiast [attach id=19179]
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on January 03, 2024, 10:36:21 PM
Well[attach id=19186]
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on January 04, 2024, 03:00:40 AM
One out of my shed :thumbsup [attach id=19188]
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on January 04, 2024, 03:08:28 AM
I Left my truck here somewhere[attach id=19190] :icon_confused:
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 04, 2024, 06:52:48 PM
I have a similar photo somewhere taken in 1979 outside my home town on the North Devon coast. we were snowed in for 3 weeks.

Can't find the photo but I was standing waist deep in snow on what turned out to be the roof of a Transit van.
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on January 05, 2024, 03:59:00 AM
Quote from: Lee337 on January 04, 2024, 06:52:48 PMI have a similar photo somewhere taken in 1979 outside my hometown on the North Devon coast, where it snowed in for 3 weeks.

Can't find the photo but I was standing waist deep in snow on what turned out to be the roof of a Transit van.

These massive snow dumps spin me out.
The only big dumps of white stuff seems be hail lately.
Torrential storms down on the Gold Coast. A relative tells me he lost power Boxing Day, still not back on either.
They're not even in a tropical cyclone zone.
 
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on January 25, 2024, 04:15:23 AM
Pinched this from an old post in 2012.  :thumbsup
You should hear how a Steamer sounds with a 3 into 1 system on it.
Mine has a GSXR Titaniun can on a Girly header. Been likened to an angry chainsaw. :ImaPoser
Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Lee337 on January 26, 2024, 12:24:40 PM
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Title: Re: Daily smile thread
Post by: Madruss on March 03, 2024, 11:13:57 PM
I love it  :*&*
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