Humour

[PeteH]

Some iccle gems in there daveb :lol:

[KuzzinKenny]

Abu Dhabi Do !!    

i don't no many "correct" jokes  :roll:

i think this is ok  
..................................................


During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.


KK

[KuzzinKenny]

Can somebody pass me the..........

http://www.speeding.co.uk/acatalog/Fukken_Wax.html#a3494

   

KK

[rybes]

those dogs are funny :lol: cheers for that diy link. im now gunna get beaten up next time a few people see me :lol:

[KuzzinKenny]

GIRL'S DIARY

Sunday 11th May 2010

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.  I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.





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BLOKES DIARY

Sunday 11th May 2010

Team got relegated today. Gutted. Got a shag though
..........................

   

KK

[The Midnight Rambler]

I see IKEA have bought out a new flatpack bed for lesbians.
No screws, just tongue and groove...........

[Tigertriple]

Likes Children

[Tigertriple]

[Tigertriple]

[Tigertriple]

[Tigertriple]

[KuzzinKenny]

Drat that last vids bin blocked !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyhoo i needed a larf an remembered this......



 :lol:  :lol:

KK

[Bixxer Bob]

that's an old Darwin Award  story!

http://DarwinAwards.com/legends/legends1998-10.html

while we're on try this one....
note the men drinking beer theme

http://DarwinAwards.com/legends/legends1998-15.html

[The Midnight Rambler]

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
 
 
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
    she's 21 and her name's Lucy
 
 
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face
 
 

 
 
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
   Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
 
 
   I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
   All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

 


   Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
 


   Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
   'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
   I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
   She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b**tard, I was talking to the cat!'
 
   Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch,
   so I've named him Birmingham .
 

   I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
   I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
 
   Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
   Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

[zombie2]

Few funnies for monday..


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
 


I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.    
 


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.    
 


Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.      
 
     


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "F*ck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"      
 


Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!      
 


I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"    
 


I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.      
 


Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!      
 


My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.    
 


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.      
 


What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.    
 


An old lady is being examined by the doctor. He asks have you ever been bedridden? She says 'yes, by my first husband.      
 


Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?    
 


A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.      
 


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.      
 


Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.    
 


I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.      
 


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.      
 


Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.