Humour

[threepot]

My son just came home,said he'd just been sacked from his job down the chippy. I went down to ask the owner why. He said 'I caught him with the potato peeler up his arse...and I've sacked him too'                        

[Sin_Tiger]

You have far too much time on your hands, shouldn't you be up on the roof or something

[Mustang]

"Look a Chicken"

[Bixxer Bob]

On a similar theme.......

[The Midnight Rambler]

Also in Africa...

[John Stenhouse]

What time is it when an elephant sits on your Golf?







Time to get a new Golf!

[Bixxer Bob]

Judging by the look on their faces, and the size of the appendage between his hind legs, I don't think it's sitting he has in mind......

[threepot]

That's a BIG Elephant!

[threepot]

http://www.mandatory.com/2013/08/07/24-terribly-awesome-puns

[threepot]

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer earlier,"just looking for cheap flights" I replied. She came over,flung her arms around me,told me she loved me,then gave me the best 'blow job' ever!  Strange  really,I didn't know she was interested in darts? :icon_wink:




Had a medical in work the other day. Doctor told me not to eat anything fatty. I said "like burgers or chips"? He said "no fatty,don't eat anything"!

[daveb]

A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments he announced "Bear". Then he felt the bullet hole and declared "Shot with a .308 rifle".

He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle".

Of course he was right again.

Throughout the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and loudly announced "Skunk, killed with an axe".

[Bixxer Bob]

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=171463646390887

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=171461423057776&set=vb.305901075111&type=2&theater

[Mustang]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says :

"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."

"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."

[John Stenhouse]

Love it! I must be a grumpy old man, I see kids like that and wonder if I slapped them would they shut up?

[ned37]

if you slapped them hard enough 
but then there's consequences