Daily smile thread

[Lee337]

Shamelessly stolen from another forum.


The wife bought herself a parrot but after a week, she took it back to the pet shop.
"This parrot hasn't said anything yet!" she complained to the owner.
"I haven't had a bloody chance yet!" replied the parrot.

[Lee337]

The Hunting Accident

A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.

"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

" Not exactly answered the doctor.

"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

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[Nick Calne]

Keep going. It's good for someone to lighten the place up. 

[Lee337]

You can always add to it.

[Lee337]

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and burn them.
I did that, and feel much better, but I am wondering, do I keep the letters ???

I was telling a girl in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her breasts.
"Really? Go on then try."
After 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.

My girlfriend asked me if I want to get married someday.
I said "Of course, once I meet the right woman."

Just mentioned to the missus that I've always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé.
"Whatever floats your boat". She said.
"No" I said, "that's buoyancy".

My 5 year old son said he wanted a treehouse in the back garden.
20 years growing a tree and now he doesn't want it anymore. Ungrateful shit !!!

Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address.
Fortunately none of them can read a map!

Elvis Presley's coffin was made from redwood and took two week's to make.
Michael Jackson's was made from oak and took a week.
Gene Pitney's? 24 hour's, from balsa!!

I texted my wife today "I had a bad accident at work.
I fell from a great height, Sarah kindly rushed me to the hospital, the Drs examined me, they x rayed my legs & say I may never walk again, & be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life."
She texted back Who the f**k is Sarah ?

First date..... Boy: "Let's exchange numbers."
Blonde girl: "Won't that confuse people when they're trying to call us???"

[Lee337]

Due to severe weather conditions the Government has issued this warning:
Anyone travelling should take blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, 24 hr food supply, 3 ltrs of water, safety triangle, tow rope, & a set of jump leads.

I looked a right knob on the bus this morning.

[ghulst]

15 EXERCISES WE'D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2021...

~ Jumping on the bandwagon             

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles             

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic

~ Spinning your wheels                 

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall   

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum                 

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions                       

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments                       

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

~ Running with scissors

[Lee337]

I was that board today i changed all the wrappers in a box of celebration while her in door's was making diner.
She's not happy she got her snikers in a twix

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

Life after lockdown

[Lee337]

Why is it that when we were kids, jokes about genitals were 'adult humour'


but when we're adults, they're considered 'childish'?

[blacktiger]

I wonder why I got arrested today because when we were little kids, throwing off all your clothes and running around naked was thought of as cute.

[Bixxer Bob]

I was quite surprised to see 'The Gluten Free Society' website uses cookies....