Daily smile thread

[ghulst]

A friend of mine bought his wife a world map and gave her a dart and said, throw this, and wherever it lands--that's where I'm taking you when this pandemic ends.

It turns out that they will be spending two weeks behind the fridge.



A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he's been eating.

"I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."

"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

Yesterday I entered 10 puns into a local competition, to see if one would win.

No pun in ten did.

[ghulst]

Little known fact, Moses had a motorcycle

It literally says so in the Bible:

"And lo, the roar of Moses' Triumph was heard throughout Israel"

[Lee337]

My neighbour with the big boobs has been walking around in front of the bedroom window all morning.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

[Lee337]

I had a budding career as an actor when I was younger, until I failed my audition for Romeo & Juliette.

It seems I misunderstood the stage direction, but my script specifically said 'Enter Juliette from the rear'

[Lee337]

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[ghulst]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "So, Doc, look at this engine.
I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the **engine running**."

[Nick Calne]

Ha!

[Sin_Tiger]

When I retired, I thought I would retrain for something completely different just for a bit of extra pocket money and not having to travel as much as I had to in the past.

I applied for a course, got accepted and went along for the first days training. Half an hour into the course I asked a question and the answer made up my mind the job wasn't for me and left.

It seems working from home is not an option for Armed Bank Robbers.

[ghulst]

It seems working from home is not an option for Armed Bank Robbers.

You should see them these days...

[ghulst]

I used to be a motorcycle courier...

Man those things are heavy...

[Sin_Tiger]

I've just had the results from the local drive through test centre.

The good news is that I haven't contracted Covid 19

The not so good news is that I'm pregnant 

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

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