Daily smile thread

[ghulst]

If trees could talk, lumberjacks would need intense therapy.

[Lee337]

Apparently 29% of pet owners allow their pets to sleep on the bet at night.

Tried it last night, don't think the goldfish survived!

[Lee337]

Naomi: Did you know my name spelled backwards is I Moan, which is fantastic, I do love moaning.

Lana: Don't you dare say another word!

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2021 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . "

[Lee337]

Isn't it weird, you can trust you dog to guard your home, but not your sandwich!

[ghulst]

Want to hear a construction joke?



Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one.

[Lee337]

I was having trouble with my computer at work, so I called IT Support...
He asked, "Have you tried disabling cookies?"...
I responded, "Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man!"

[ghulst]

Talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

I never make mistakes. ...I thought I did once; but I was wrong.

[Lee337]

I recently lost my job at the school.
I got caught kissing the ugliest teacher in the whole school.
Gross Miss Conduct.

If you're always organising things, you have OCD.
If you're always eating things, you have OBCT.

Japanese blokes are a bit pushy, especially those fat one's who wear nappies!!


I took the new bath I bought back to the shop.
"The water keeps running out!" "Did you put the plug in?"
"No, nobody told me it was electric"!!

If you're a hostage and the gunman says "Who shall I shoot first?"
Saying, "It's WHOM shall I shoot first?" Is not the best answer.

If you're wrong and shut up.... You are wise.....
If you're right and shut up... You are married....

My probation period at Boots ended yesterday when a customer came up to me and said "I've got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it's going to explode.
Have you got anything?"
I said, "No mate, I feel fine!"

"Grandad can we go to McDonald's"? "We can if you can spell it"
"Grandad, can we go to KFC"?

A man regained consciousness in hospital and hysterically yelled to the doctor that he couldn't feel his legs.
The doctor replied "that's because I've cut your arms off".

With the schools closed due to covid.
Child: "Mummy, am I adopted"?
Mum: "not yet darling, I've only just put the ad in".

A man attempted to hijack a bus load of Japanese tourists...
The police have 3,756 pictures of him.

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says,

"It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said,


'Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"

[ghulst]

 

[Sin_Tiger]

Makes my day mate  you have far too much time on the PC to be healthy