Daily smile thread

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

ANGLE GRINDER :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER:
aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

BASTARD TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Bastard' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[London_Phil]

You forgot Compressor
A device for failing to remove fixings assembled by someone with a bigger one than yours.....oh err....

[Sin_Tiger]

Neutron goes into a bar and orders a double whiskey.

Bar person pours the drink.

Neutron - "What do I give you?"

Bar person - "No charge"

[Lee337]

CEO's of beer brewers are at a convention. At break time, they head to the complimentary beer dispensary.

The Aussie says, let me have a Fosters, the best beer in Australia.

The American says let me have a Bud, king of beers.

The German says Give me a Lowenbrau, best beer since 1400!

The Irishman says I'll have club soda with a twist of lime.

All the men look at him in amazement. Then one asks, Paddy, aren't you going to have a Guinness?"

Paddy answers, "If you blokes aren't drinking, neither am I!

[ghulst]

What do you get the person that's got everything?

Storage space!


(I know I need some.)

[ghulst]

When I was a boy my momma would send me down to the corner store with $1.00.

I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs.


You can't do that now...too many security cameras.

[ghulst]

When I was a kid, I wanted to play the guitar badly. 

And after years of hard work, practice and dedication, I can now play the guitar... badly.

[Lee337]

Just had to have an operation on my left hand. After coming back from the operating theatre I asked the surgeon if it had been successful and would I be able to play guitar.

He told me yes, which is great news as I couldn't play one before.

[London_Phil]

Just had to have an operation on my left hand. After coming back from the operating theatre I asked the surgeon if it had been successful and would I be able to play guitar.

He told me yes, which is great news as I couldn't play one before.

You also know what you need to do if you want to play sports etc, I saw it on an advert for ladyproducts...

[Lee337]

why did the English wear red uniforms?


Well, an English officer captured by the French was asked why they wore red coats as it only made them better targets. "It's so that if I get shot, my soldiers won't see my blood and lose heart", the English officer said.

And that is why, ever since, French officers have worn brown trousers....

[Madruss]

Very good 

[Lee337]

A blonde woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!" she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!"
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner!!

[Madruss]

 

[ghulst]

In the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. 

The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."