Daily smile thread

[London_Phil]

Kyleeeee... In the voice of Martin Clunes..

[Lee337]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

[Lee337]

.

[ghulst]

As an enthusiastic Dutch cyclist, I am looking at this and wonder... Honestly, 1.5 metres is outrageous in most circumstances. Well, in my opinion anyway. I would like to have a bit of space so I don't feel a car mirror brushing past my arm. (And believe me, that has happened.) But as long as we allow everyone a bit of space, this should be alright without the fundamentalism around the 1.5 metres. ;-)

[Lee337]

If I'm honest I always give around 1.5m space when overtaking a cyclist, more if I can and will usually slow down. Always slow down for horses & be ready to stop too, living in a rural area, this happens more than you'd think. I also give way to pedestrians if they're on the road and when turning from a minor road to a major one. I really don't have an issue with most road users. If i'm i the car, I loo out for them, if I'm on the bike I think they're all out to get me, so I look out for them - makes sensew to me.

But there's always those who take the p1$$, like the local bike club who own the road and make sure everyone knows it.

I do occasionally cycle myself but unlike the local lycra clad cyclists, I obey the rules of the road, give way when I should, stop at red lights and don't ride in the middle of the road, especially if there are cycle paths.

On another note, I've ordered the cricket bat and am awaiting delivery 

[ghulst]

Back to our regular service:


"You are never too old to learn something stupid."

[Lee337]

Just been banned from my local chemist. I only walked up to the girl behind the counter & asked 'Do you do it anally or swallow?'

Still don't know what I'm supposed to do with the suppository 

[Lee337]

.

[Lee337]

 Having a clear out so put all my dogging equipment on eBay.

No bids yet but I have 14 people watching.

[ghulst]

[Lee337]

A council housing department actually received these complaints:

These are actual complaints that Council flat tenants registered to their local Council about problems with their flats

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my wall.

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

[Lee337]

Start my new job as a waiter on Monday, not brilliant but it puts food on the table.

[Lee337]

Decided to pull a nose hair out today, to see if it hurt.

Judging by the reaction of the bloke asleep next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful.

[Lee337]

Boating lake manager: "come in number 9, your time is up."

Manager's assistant: "we only have 8 boats"

Boating lake manager: "is everything all right number 6?"

[Lee337]

Has anyone else noted the trend where people name their kids after stuff they can't afford:

Mercedes, Diamond, Chardonnay,

Next it will be

Rent, Gas, Electric Diesel.