Daily smile thread

[Lee337]

Following some recent tests at the hospital I got a letter from my doctor.
I read it and said to my wife,
"Ya Beauty!"
"The doctor says that I need to have daily sex !"
"Woo Hoo!"
She gasped in shock and snatched the letter out of my hand, read it to herself and then said...
"Oh Thank God!"
"You're an idiot!"
"He says you're dyslexic!"

[Lee337]

A tall cute very attractive young female worker with shoulder length blonde hair wearing an extremely short skirt and a very tight sheer top goes to her HR Department to make a complaint.

The HR manager tells her that he's really sorry to hear that something at work has caused her to feel that she needs to make a formal complaint.

She is asked to explain what it is that has caused her problems.

She explains that she is being constantly sexually harassed by a coworkers and she's finally had enough and it has to stop immediately and she needs him to be sacked immediately or she will be forced to resign and sue the company.

The manager asks her exactly what has been happening.

She tells him that every day at lunchtime in the staff break room a male co-worker walks up very close to her at the coffee machine, leans in close, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair always smells so nice.

The Human Resources Manager is a little puzzled, and asks her

"Well I can appreciate that while he might well be making you a little uncomfortable, especially if he's getting into your personal space...."

"I can't help but say that I feel that you may be overreacting ever so slightly..."

"do you really think that his complementing you on the scent of your shampoo is really a sacking offence?"

"Sure we can ask him to stop doing it but really, what's so creepy or threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies,

"It's Frank, the dwarf...."

[Lee337]

Diesel £1.68 a litre average £90 to fill up.
Drive off without paying and get £50 fine in a few weeks.
Saving £40
Follow me for more money saving tips.

[London_Phil]

Comes with free bed n breakfast at a secure location as well......

[Lee337]

Being a man means I can do what I want, when I want and not having to answer to...


Shit, she's comming!


To be continued...

[Lee337]

If you are travelling on the M1 in Bedfordshire this evening be advised a coach load of musicians has overturned at J13.

Expect lengthy jams

[Lee337]

Little April wasn't a very good pupil

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

[Lee337]

I found £20 when I was out earlier. the note was just lying there in the carpark.

I said to my self 'What would Jesus do?'

So I turned it into wine!

[Lee337]

.

[ghulst]

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the
opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.

"Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

[Lee337]

When I was growing up, my parents would often say' Excuse my french' after a swear word.

I'll never forget my first day at senior school when the teacher asked if any of us knew any french...

[Lee337]

I used to date a girl with a twin.

People used to say 'How can you tell them apart?'

It was simple, Gill painted her nails purple, Bob had a cock.

[Lee337]

 My daughter said 'before we go on holiday, I hope you're going to shave off that horrible moustache, it's embarrasing'.

I was stunned. That's the bravest thing I've heard anyone say to the wife.

[Lee337]

Boy, am I in trouble if anyone finds out I really don't have tourettes

[Lee337]

I saw someone waving but I wasn't sure if they were waving at me or someone behind me...

Anyway, in other news, I've lost my job as a lifeguard!