Daily smile thread

[ghulst]

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've got the results back from your battery of tests, and we've found you have an extremely nasty and rare virus that is highly contagious and is frequently fatal."

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, Doctor?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "No... but it's the only food we can slide under the door."

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

My new t-shirt

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[London_Phil]

The Gash Safe engineer came to check my old boiler last week, good to know she's ok for another year.

[Lee337]

In April 1970, I was riding my pushbike, tried to jump a curb, fell off and rolled through one of the neighbours rose bushes. I really hurt my knee.

I'm telling you this now as we didn't have social media back then.

[Madruss]

Little kids in the classroom, when the teacher says "who knows some farm noises"?
Angie says sheep, Baa. Willy says cow, Moo. Suzie says Dog, woof woof.  "I know one"! Little Johnny screams out. Get off that F#cking tractor. 

[Lee337]

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey'......

[Lee337]

Today (16 August) is National Tell A Joke Day in the UK.

Unfortunately, the origin of National Tell A Joke Day has been lost to history, which isn't surprising considering that humans don't know the origin of jokes. Anecdotal evidence suggests that the joke was invented by Palamedes — a Greek hero who outwitted Odysseus on the eve of the Trojan War — the evidence presented for that claim is pretty thin. All that can be said on the subject is that joking is probably as old as language itself.

So, here's a few oldies:

What do dentists call their x-rays!

Tooth pics!



Did you hear about the restaurant that opened on the moon?

The food was great but it had no atmosphere!



What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing it just waved!

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

A man was watching his wife while she is frying sausages in a pan. Before she puts the sausages in the pan, she cuts off the two ends, throws them away, and cooks the middle part of the sausage.
Het husband looks at her, and then asks: "Honey, why do you always cut of the two ends of the sausage before frying it". The woman answers that she doesn't know, she has learned to do that from her mother.
The next day, they visit the mother, and the woman asks her why she has been taught to cut off the ends of the sausage before frying it. "I actually don't know, that is what my mother, your grandmother always told me to do.
We should go and ask her." So the two women leave the house, and go to visit the grandmother.
"Grandmother, why did you learn us to cut of the ends of a sausage before frying it" the daughter asks. "It's a family tradition, the grandmother says, I don't know. I just did it because my mother, your great-grandmother did it.
We should visit her, she's in the retirement home. "
The three women go to visit the retirement home, and meet the great-grandmother, who is a bit hard hearing. "Great-grandmother," the woman asks loudly,
"Why did you always tell us to cut of the pieces of a sausage before frying it"

The old woman looks amazed at them, and responds:

"Wait, what, you are still using that little pan!".............