Daily smile thread

[Lee337]

And people wonder why i don't like to go to the same place as other English tourists...

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[Sin_Tiger]

No wonder Thomas Cook threw in the beach towel 

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

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[Nick Calne]

"Furloughed halfwits against reality"

My god there's some truth right there.

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

The neighbours cheeky kids have just challenged me to a water fight.

Thought I'd post this update while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil...

[Lee337]

Five signs of lazyness

1.

[Lee337]

Balloons are so weird. "Happy birthday, here's a rubber sack of my breath."

[Lee337]

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that? I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place.

We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?

[Lee337]

My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his forehead...
My sister went mad when she looked in his pram!

Matt Hancock has been praised for dedication to social distancing guidelines after nobody turned up to his leaving drinks!

When I found out I was holding the taser the wrong way around, I was stunned!

I helped a neighbour out today and she said, "I could marry you."
Unbelievable! You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life!

After Matt Hancock is being accused of having an affair, lying, and being 'fucking hopeless' according to Dominic Cummings, the bookies have him odds-on favourite to be the next PM!

I said to the girl at the Tesco checkout, "Can you do this any cheaper? It has got today's date on it?"
She replied, "Look Sir do you want the newspaper or not?"

I've got terrible pains in my neck and back...
My friend has suggested I go online and try crick and correct!

Sad news. The man who devised the M&S food ads has died...
He will be cremated tomorrow in an applewood and mesquite fire with blistered marshmallows and charred Madagascan vanilla pods!

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
"Wow!" I said. "That's an amazing car."
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year!"

Want a free ride in a helicopter?
Flight for 4 people? I'm looking for 2 more to join me.
We leave on Friday & fly to Monaco where we will have breakfast and then lunch on a yacht.
If interested please PM me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go!

When I was young, I was poor.
But after years of hard, honest and painstaking work, I'm no longer young!

Just got back from visiting a lovely little place in Wales, Llysthwycyyrigridarbrewthh...
Sorry, had a hair in my mouth. I went to Swansea!

I was burgled last night. They took Mars bars, Kit Kats, as well as Snickers...
Probably a bunch of snackheads!

I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day.
He said, "Only if you make up the time."
I said, "OK. It's 35 past 50!"

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!"
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician!"

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon.
History shows us that if you don't want your child assassinated,
don't name them after an airport...

Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs.
Just 5 minutes more...

Are cheap circumcisions a rip off?...

I started my Open University psychology course today,
and I'm completely baffled.
Who is Freudian?
and why do they care so much about his lips?..

The inventor of the computer mouse has died.
They should have right clicked and saved him...

Edinburgh and Glasgow: same country, very different cities. In Edinburgh, when a gun goes off, it's one o'clock.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common, they're the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.

We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow. A great choice of venue: a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin.

My friend had his ID stolen...
...We have to call him Dav now.

I hate waking up hungover, eyebrows shaven off, with a dick drawn on my forehead. Especially as I was drinking on my own last night!

[Sin_Tiger]

Good thing the neighbour's didn't name their boy Prestwick