Daily smile thread

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

I walked into a chemists and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss. but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and this is
the absolute best we can do:
* 1/3 ownership in the business,
* a company car,
* a king size bed and
*£1,500 a month in living expenses

[Lee337]

Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them.
"As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off."
"I know the feeling," the other says.
"No, I'm serious," says the first.
"They're killing me."

[Nick Calne]

I know a fair few lawyers. I suspect this is very accurate.

[Lee337]

I used to go out with the lady who did the voice for the speaking clock...
We had a big falling out though, and now she wont give me the time of day!

The police just knocked at my house to tell me my dog was chasing a kid on a bike...
I just closed the door because my dog doesn't even have a bike!


Dear Deidre,
The other day I was standing by my bedroom window, when I saw my neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless in the garden.
As I was knocking one out, I turned to notice my wife standing there, arms crossed and staring at me...
Is she a pervert?

Someone stolen all the bus stop signs from our street...
For fucks sake, where do these people get off?

I just bought Cluedo Swingers Edition...
Turns out they all did it, in every room!

"Your nan sucks cock!"
Classic insult, not so funny when she's whispering it in your ear though!

My wife bought me a horrible leather jacket, and has somehow convinced me to wear it...
I guess I'm easily suede!

I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend...
My best game of Scrabble ever!

You know what boils my piss? A kettle.
I'm no longer allowed to make the teas or coffees at work!

I said to my wife, "Would you like a Kit-Kat Chunky?"
Over five hours in A&E!

There's 2 blokes in our road, one digging holes and the other just filling them in, so I went over and asked them what they were doing?
They said, "There's normally three of us but the bloke who plants the trees is off sick!"

The mother in law came for Sunday dinner, and while sitting at the table (outside) she moaned, "Why is the dog sitting here on the floor staring at me?"
I replied, "You're using his plate!"

I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar shouted at me, "Love your neighbour."
I shouted back, "Me too, cracking pair of tits!"

During sex last night, my partner whispered in my ear, "Pretend you're my dad."
I was furious. "You are one sick-minded girl, what a disgusting thing to ask me."
I stormed out of the bedroom and slammed the door.
I mean, you don't expect shit like that from your sister, do you?

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son today that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poo in your pants, but he's still making fun of me!

On the motorway, if the person driving in front turns on their wipers when it's not raining it can only mean one thing...
She'll be changing lanes!

Did you know that the flame of a candle smells like burning nasal hair!

Watching my wife getting fingered by another woman, I decided to do what any normal man would do and had a wank...
The midwife wasn't happy though and I'm now banned from the hospital!

I fancied doing an experiment to see how long I could go without having sex...
So I got married!

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

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[Bixxer Bob]

Apparently the answer to a lady saying, "Men only want one thing and it's disgusting" isn't "wash it before he comes round then".....

[Lee337]

Car insurance quote for a new male driver:    £7000

Car insurance quote for a new female driver   £2500

Sex change operation  £2200.

Money saving tips from Gotwokequick.com

[Lee337]

Just wrote a book about drug smuggling...
Charlie Up The Chocolate Factory!

I was telling a woman about my ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her breasts.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then. Try"
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience
"Come on" she demanded "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied

I recently watched my wedding video backwards...
I love it when I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends!

An old lady goes to her doctor and asks for contraceptive tablets, claiming they help her sleep at night.
"Why would contraceptive pills make you sleep any better than normal?" asks the doctor.
The old lady replies, "Because I put them in my granddaughter's coffee!"

My missus shouted for me from upstairs.
She'd found some bondage mags and videos plus some whips, chains and handcuffs in our 14 year old sons bedroom.
She said, "What are you going to do about this?"
I replied, "Well, there's no point in spanking the little twat, is there!"

Two snails are chatting on the pavement.
"I'll have to cross the road," said one snail.
"Well, be careful," says the other snail. "There's a bus coming in an hour!"

I'm at the police station after drink driving.
Urine sample was positive, so I stole the sample.
Now I'm being charged for taking the piss!

My wife said it's either her or the dog...
So I've got to choose between a hairy, drooling mongrel with bad breath, or my beloved canine!

A lady carrying a duck walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Where did you get that pig?"
The lady replies, "It's a duck!"
The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck!"

Pray for my Mother-In-Law
She's been taken to hospital as a bee landed on her face.
Luckily she wasn't stung...
I was too quick with the spade!

A random bloke offered me a free gate last night.
I said, "What's the catch?"
He said, "It's the bit that allows it to open and close!"

You know what actually makes me smile?
My facial muscles!

I was sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
But she did!

A boss offers his young secretary a mink coat.
As she is admiring herself in the mirror her boss looks her up and down and says, "Your knickers are coming down."
Embarrassed, she quickly checks and replies, "No they're not."
"They are or that coat goes back to the shop!"

I think I might apply for the new series of Embarrassing Bodies...
One of my bollocks is bigger than the other two!

Just hit a record 63 on my local golf course...
Now on to the second hole!

The wife came in last night and without saying a word dropped to her knees in front of me.
As she was unbuttoning my jeans, I sighed. "OK. How badly damaged is the car this time?"

When my wife found out I was a transvestite, she went mental.
"I know this is difficult for you," I said.
"You have no fucking idea!" she snapped. "Put yourself in my shoes."
"I can't," I replied with a sigh. "They're too tight!"

I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him."
They might as well just say, "He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it!"

A couple having marital problems went to see a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."
The husband said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks!"

[Lee337]

Went to see a psychic the other day.

Knocked on the door & heard her shout 'Who is it?

So I left.

[Lee337]

Vincent Price is taller than Katie Price and heavier than Alan Price.

Found this on a Price comparison website.

[Lee337]

CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No mam, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No mam, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, mam?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That's what I'll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don't want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, mam.
CALLER: How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me mam, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at CVS Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry mam, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand mam, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

[Sin_Tiger]

Move to Barra and make your own Pizza