Daily smile thread

[Lee337]

One minute you're young and fun...

the next you're turning down the stereo in the car to see better!

[Lee337]

Three men are walking in the desert, all dehydrated.

They approach a slide with an empty paddling pool beneath it with a wizard standing nearby.

Wizard: 'This slide is magical. When you slide down it, you can say a drink of your choosing and the paddling pool will fill up with that drink.'

The first guy slides down and shouts, 'Water!' and he lands in a pool filled with water.

The second guy slides down and says 'Apple Juice!' and lands in a pool filled with apple juice.

The third guy slides down and shouts, 'Wee!'

[Lee337]

I was born male...

I identify as male...

But according to Sainsbury's Delux Sticky Toffee Pudding I'm actually  a family of four! 

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

Next door has finally got her halloween costume sorted.

[ghulst]

I guess I'm in that 5%...

[Lee337]

A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.

"Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up..."

"Yes, son?" the father asked, ready to console him.
"...Which bus would I take home?"

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big ti*ts.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big ti*ts, but there was no passion. I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. I decided to find someone with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious lady with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I'm older and wiser now and I'm looking for a woman with big ti*ts.

[Lee337]

"How did you lose your hands?", asked a bloke in the pub.
"I stole a fish in the Middle East", I replied, "it was so big that I couldn't run fast enough and they caught me."
"How big was it?" he said.
I held my arms out wide and said, "A bit bigger than that."

[Lee337]

I recently signed up for an excercise class & was told to wear loose fittign clothes...


If I had any loose fitting clothes, I wouldn't have needed to sign up in the first place 

[Lee337]

Well, what a relief!! At long last, I've finally had some good luck for a change!

I saw a fortune-teller recently who told me to beware of a stranger who will try and take me for a mug and con me out of a large cash sum during the next 3 weeks.

Well, I've been careful and the 3 weeks are up today, and brilliant!.. nothing's happened!!
Best £500 quid I've ever spent.

[Lee337]

Why is it that only people with rubbish video cameras and shaky hands can see UFOs?

[Lee337]

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