Daily smile thread

[Lee337]

I'm going to France tomorrow for the world "Flicking A Ruler On The Edge Of A Desk" championships.

It's held annually in the Dordogne.

[Lee337]

TOP TIP OF THE DAY
If you ever date a dominatrix...
Never ever suggest it's time to hit the sack.

Some of us learned this the hard way

[London_Phil]

TOP TIP OF THE DAY
If you ever date a dominatrix...
Never ever suggest it's time to hit the sack.

Some of us learned this the hard way

Yeah, but what if.......

[Lee337]

Ran hone to the wife this afternoon, pulled her upstairs into the bedroom, threw her on the bed and pulled the covers over us.

She was shocked, exclaiming that it's years since I'd done anything like that.

Imagine her surprise when I pointed out that my new watch glows in the dark.

Paramedics say  should be able to walk again in a few days.

[blacktiger]

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[Lee337]

I'll never forget my dad's last words to me...


"Are you sure the power is switched off?"

[Sin_Tiger]

 

[ghulst]

That's why it is a good idea to have someone else proofread your stuff...

[blacktiger]

That's why it is a good idea to have someone else proofread your stuff...

They did but they were chinese as well.

[ghulst]

Or they paid them badly...

[blacktiger]

Ozzyman reviews are always funny. This one shows that you don't fuck with a Rhino. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97hyh43DG5E

[Nick Calne]

The crab on the nut sack!!!

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

Antiques Roadshow

What they say & what they mean.

"I was given it by an old lady that I used to clean for.........I stole it from a senile old bat.
"It's been in my family for generations"...........................it still would be but my tight Father left me nowt in his will.
"I don't care that it's worth £2000, I'll never part with it"......where's the nearest Jewellers?
"These are my Grandfather's medals".............................if they're worth nowt the Imperial war museum can have them
"I've always loved this vase""........................................it's fucking hideous
"It's got sentimental value"............................................if it's worth enough to get me to Ibiza it's history.

[Lee337]

Was out in the garden and a woodpecker just called me a paranoid dickhead in Morse code