Daily smile thread

[blacktiger]

It seems working from home is not an option for Armed Bank Robbers.

Oh yes it is when you hear about the many scams that are coming at us over the phone and email.

[Lee337]

I got in contact with my local wizard at the weekend to try to get rid of a curse a priest put on me years back.

He said he should be able to do it if I can remember the exact words he used when placing the curse.

I said no problem,

'I now pronounce you man & wife'

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

A husband and his wife were driving through Wales and came across the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogererychwyrndrobwilllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the village. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an arguement for us?" Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"














She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerr Kiiing."

[Lee337]

Apparently, when filling out an application for a credit card, the answer to the question 'Source of income' is not ATM 

[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

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[Lee337]

Yesterday in the loft I found an old copy of the 1977 Radio Times....
or as its called now, The Sex Offenders Register!

Sick & tired of these Olympic athletes saying how hard they've worked & the sacrifices they've made.
What do they want? A medal?

Terrible weather today so I just visited my 80 year old neighbour to ask if she needed anything from the shop .
Turns out she did, so I've given her my list too - no point in both of us going out in this storm.

I met a girl, She said they call me Vivaldi "because you're a brilliant violinist?"
"No" she said. "My name's Viv & I work in Aldi

I've been accused of plagiarism.
Their words, not mine.

Try our tasty Korean Meatballs.
They really are the dogs bollocks!

I had Domino's for dinner.
Awful, broke my tooth on a double six.

No pleasing some women. I got my wife 250 flowers for Valentine's & she still wasn't happy!
So what if they spelt out 'Grandad'

My older brother was named after our father to carry on his name.
It can be really confusing having a brother called Dad though !

My daughter wants anything from the body shop as a wedding gift.
So I've bought her the the front offside wing of a Ford fiesta.

my mates just been diagnosed with that terrible peek a boo virus,
he's just been transferred to the i.c.u. unit

I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance

Well it's finally valentines day , I really hope I get a card from Moonpig this year !!
Mind you , she really hates it when I call her that !!

I've been getting a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer for the past 20 years.
So I was sad not to get one this year.
First my gran dies and now this!

The wife asked whether I would mind taking her mum out.
I thought a drop kick would probably do it.

I said to my wife, "How come you always get confused and muddle things up?"
She said, "Talk about the pot calling the toaster black."

Looking for a bit of advice... What's the best number of Roses to give the girlfriend for Valentine's Day? - 6? 12? 24?
Or the whole tin?

What the hell are you doing I said to my wife You've reversed the car over my motorbike.
She said It's your own fault for leaving it in the shed.

The other night I walked into the bedroom and my wife asked me "What would you most like to do with my body?"
Apparently, "Identify it" wasn't the right answer.

I owe my Life to Justin Bieber. I was in a Coma for Two years, until one of the Nurses played one of his songs on the radio in my room, and I had to wake up and Turn it off.

I know that some of you will moan at me, but I've bought my wife an iron for Valentine's day .
I'm really not sure this is a good gift, as I've never even seen her play golf !

I rang DVLA for a personalised number plate.
They said they didn't have one to suit my name. So I just changed my name to SV57 HWD

My neighbour knocked on my door at 3am. Can you believe it - 3am!
Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums!

A friend of mine opened a strip club called "The G-Spot"
It closed after a week as most men couldn't find it!

The most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style..
The husband sits & begs, & the wife rolls over & plays dead !

[Lee337]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."
"Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."
"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."

Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
"True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved."

[Lee337]

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[blacktiger]

One for the oldies....

[ghulst]

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I am in a Mini R53 group on Facebook and it is unbelievable, but there are a load of people on there who actually send each other Mini parts in boxes like that...

[ghulst]

 

[Bixxer Bob]

I'm not sure if that's very clever, or wrong;   the vertical axis is "Z"